Ronnie was basically America’s granddad. Born to a lower middle class family, his father, who worked as a salesman, didn’t even bother taking his wife to the hospital for the birth of his son, instead opting to let the baby be born right there in their second floor apartment. Ronnie’s father gave him the nickname Dutch, because he thought Ronnie looked like he was Dutch. Ronnie was not of Dutch descent. It was a different time. Ronnie studied economics at university, but was a pretty piss poor student. The only smart thing he did in college was work as a dishwasher at a sorority. After college, Ronnie really didn’t feel like getting a job, so instead he became an actor in crummy movies. It was during this time that he met and married fellow actor Jane Wyman. When World War II broke out he was drafted, but due to having poor eyesight, he was kept stateside where he acted in crummy training films.
After the war, Ronnie went back to making B-list movies in Hollywood, but eventually gave it up to head up the actor’s union. He mostly used his position to rat out fellow actors with communist sympathies. This kept Ronnie so busy that his wife divorced him because he didn’t have enough time to carry out his marital duties. Luckily, Ronnie had just met an actress named Nancy Davis, who had been confused with another communist supporting actress with the same name, so he didn’t remain unmarried for long. The two were deeply in love, and Ronnie often called her by the pet name Mommy, which is pretty weird. Soon after getting together the pair saw a UFO. Fearing an alien invasion, Ronnie decided to get into politics. This decision culminated in him running for president three times, finally beating President Peanut in 1980, not because anyone really liked him, but because nobody liked President Peanut.
Ronnie was the oldest man ever elected president, and he acted pretty much the way you’d expect an old man would act. He spent most of his time as president complaining about taxes, being scared of communists, feeding the squirrels, sending personal checks to anyone who would write to him about their money problems, worrying that all the kids were on drugs, relaxing in sweat pants, making grandfatherly jokes, and making sure there were always plenty of jelly beans in the White House. Soon after being elected, a crazy man shot Ronnie to impress the actress Jodie Foster. Ronnie survived, which left Jodie Foster less than impressed. Ronnie was re-elected in 1984, after which he promptly began developing dementia. Aliens were always at the forefront of Ronnie’s mind. Every chance he got he warned his aides and foreign dignitaries of the possibility of an impending space invasion. Unfortunately for Ronnie, nobody really paid much attention to his ravings, probably because in most cases he was unable to recall the names of the people he was talking to. Nancy, not to be out done, got really into astrology, and began using the positions of the planets to advise her husband.
After leaving the White House, Ronnie spent most of his time riding horses and trying to convince people that a person should be allowed to be president for more than two terms. Ronnie’s dementia grew into full on Alzheimer’s, leaving him a forgetful husk of a man who was in no way capable of saving us from the UFO threat. Ronnie lived in his own world for more than a decade, having no idea what was happening around him, which is okay, because not much of it was really that great. Ronnie finally died of pneumonia.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ronald_Reagan_with_cowboy_hat_12-0071M_edit.jpg