A long time ago, before the advent of matching and swiping, online dating was largely made up of random outreach and hoped for happenstance.  In this chaotic milieu, a world of nothing but shots in the dark, a charming and witty initial message could mean the difference between meeting the love of your life and sadly sitting home alone in the dark, eating lukewarm soup.  Part guidebook, part memoir, and part history lesson, The Lost Art of Initial Messaging tracks one man’s attempts to find the perfect initial message.  Contained within this book are unique jewels, lovingly crafted for each prospective mate.  At times poignant, at times witty, and more often than not bordering on complete ridiculousness, each represent a valiant attempt to declare:  I’m here.  I see you.  Do you see me too?

The Lost Art of Initial Messaging can be found for sale in both print and e-book formats at the following:

Amazon

Attempt #7

Skirtsahoy

Background:

I will say that I’m pretty sure I was slightly drunk or something when I wrote this initial message.  It was not the best of times.  I was starting to get a bit frustrated with the whole online dating thing.  It was a ridiculous amount of work, what with sorting through profiles and trying to decide what the hell to write.  Is it any wonder then that eventually one shifted into the zone of being completely bonkers?

The Message:

So, when you say you enjoy scaring the crap out of yourself while watching horror movies, do you mean that figuratively or literally?  I'm only asking because I recently got a new Ikea couch (note the subtle hint that I have exquisite taste in furniture) and there is only so many times you can flip a cushion.  Plus getting out to Ikea just to buy new cushion covers is a bit of a pain in the ass; what with the drive, the meatballs, etc.  Now there are always exceptions, but in general I'd say I consider defecating on my furniture a deal breaker.

However, I really have no problem with you peeing and throwing up on yourself while riding a roller coaster.  I'm fairly classy and wouldn't even do the whole pretend I don't know you thing.  Nope, I'd walk proud with you through the amusement park for the rest of the day.  Though I'd probably leave my window down on the car ride home.

The Result:

For the safety of my furniture and car seats it was probably better that someone who stated that they liked to scare the crap out of themselves while watching scary movies and pee themselves on roller coasters did not respond back.  I’m not really sure what I would’ve done if she had.