Poppy, so called because even as a child he acted like everybody’s dad, was born to a wealthy Wall Street family. Poppy was raised in the most preppy way possible. We’re talking about the kind of preppy that involves tennis in the afternoon with a guy named Thadwyk whilst wearing an argyle sweater tied around your shoulders. When World War II broke out, Poppy joined up, but not with the Army, that was for poor folks, but with the Navy Air Wing. While a pilot, he named his planes after his high school sweetheart, Barbara Pierce. By the end of the war there had been three Barbara’s. After leaving the Navy, Poppy returned home and married the real Barbara, a woman who even at a young age looked old enough to be his mother. Poppy went to university, mostly to play baseball, and then threw out all that book learning, and his family’s money, to become a self-made oil tycoon. Poppy went from living in a duplex where his family had to share a bathroom with two hookers to a millionaire by age 40.
Like many self-made men, Poppy decided that making a bunch of money gave him the right to tell others how to live their lives. Poppy got into politics and quickly learned that he wasn’t very good at it. He won some and lost some, but never really seemed to get very far ahead. Poppy’s luck changed in 1974 when he told President Plum he should resign, which Plum did three days later. Poppy was then sent to China to keep him from making such suggestions to other powerful politicians. This didn’t faze Poppy, who took up bike riding. Poppy then enjoyed a series of other political appointments, including UN ambassador and head of the CIA, which culminated in him becoming President Ronnie’s Vice President. In 1988, Poppy was elected president, mostly because his opponent was a ridiculously tiny man.
Poppy’s first proclamation upon becoming president was to ban broccoli from the White House. Poppy’s mother had made him eat broccoli as a child, even though he hated it. Instead of broccoli, Poppy ate pork rinds. Poppy then bought a dog to be his new best friend and gave the dog its own room. Poppy preferred being a low key president, avoiding announcing any long-term goals for the country. Instead, he golfed at rapid speeds, went hunting, gave out awards to people who fell asleep in meetings, hosted horseshoe tournaments, and tried to train his beloved dog to use an automatic dog biscuit dispenser. Poppy’s foreign policy mostly involved going to war with random tin pot dictators and throwing up on the prime minister of Japan, probably because the prime minister tried to force him to eat broccoli.
In 1992, Poppy failed in his bid to be re-elected because even though Americans love quick and dirty wars, they hate recessions. The fact that Poppy was confused by a grocery checkout scanner probably didn’t help. Poppy and Barbara moved in with some friends, who were not prostitutes, until they could get their own house built. In retirement, Poppy, a stuffy man, allowed himself one piece of fun in that he started wearing crazy dress socks. He also took up skydiving and continued hunting. As he got older, he became confined mostly to a wheelchair, so he started shooting things from the pickup like some kind of redneck. Poppy spent his elder years jumping out of airplanes, having aircraft carriers named after him, and grabbing random women’s asses. Old as balls, he eventually died of Parkinson’s Disease.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:George_H._W._Bush,_President_of_the_United_States,_1989_official_portrait_(cropped).jpg