Jerry was a bit of a nitwit and probably the closest we’ve ever come to having John Madden be president. When Jerry was born, he was actually named Leslie, after his father, but a few days later his crazy ass abusive father threatened to kill baby Jerry with a knife, so his mother wisely chose to file for divorce. She later remarried and renamed baby Leslie after his new step-daddy. Jerry was the most American of all the American presidents. He was a literal boy scout, an all-star on his university’s football team, and he even did a bit of modeling on the side. When he wasn’t busy being athletic and beautiful, he kept busy working summers as a park ranger, feeding the bears. The NFL wanted Jerry to play professional football, but instead he decided it would be best if he went to law school, where he figured he was less likely to fall down and hurt himself.
When World War II broke out, Jerry joined the Navy and insisted they put him into combat in the South Pacific. After a couple of close calls, the Navy shipped him back home to coach football. After the war, Jerry decided to run for Congress. He was seen as a likable simpleton, something that had nothing to do with the fact that he had played football without a helmet, a man the voters felt was just like them. Jerry campaigned by showing up at various houses and helping farmers milk their cows. During his first election he married a model and dancer named Betty Bloomer. Since she was a divorcee, Jerry didn’t marry her until right before election day. Their honeymoon was spent at political rallies. Jerry won that first election, and spent the next twenty-five years in Congress, a time during which he never introduced a single bill.
Jerry was the only president who was never elected either president or VP. In 1973, VP Spiro Agnew resigned after it was found out that he never paid his taxes. Jerry was chosen to replace him because he was so damn likable. The next year, President Plum resigned, and Jerry was given the top job. Jerry spent most of his time as president doing the same as when he was in Congress, which is to say, nothing. Jerry swam every day, kept close track of college football, and forced the White House marching band to play his alma mater’s fight song instead of Hail to the Chief. He mostly stood around smiling like an idiot. The one bright spot of Jerry’s presidency was that everyone loved his wife Betty because she was so cheerful, outgoing, and outspoken, though this was probably likely due to her being an alcoholic pill popper.
In 1976, Jerry tried to run for president, but failed to be re-elected because he was so damn boring, oh, also probably because he pardoned Plum. Jerry stayed involved in politics, but spent most of his time golfing with Bob Hope, forcing his wife into treatment for her various addictions, and writing his memoirs (which apparently is a requirement for former presidents). Unlike previous presidents, Jerry didn’t have the decency to die soon after leaving the White House, and continued on for another thirty years, giving old fuddy-duddy advice to anyone who would bother to listen. He then finally died of a stroke.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ford_B1065_NLGRF_photo_contact_sheet_(1976-08-17)(Gerald_Ford_Library)_(cropped).jpg