Who wants a president who protects the environment, promotes worker safety, and supports affirmative action? Who wants a president who believes in universal healthcare and a guaranteed minimum wage? If you do, then you want Plum. Plum, also called Tricky Dicky and Gloomy Gus, was an awkward, paranoid man who had a face like a Halloween mask. Born to a Quaker family, Plum was never allowed to do anything fun as a child, unless you consider going to church four times every Sunday fun. While his family was long on religious sentiment, they were short on cash, forcing Plum to make his own way through college, working as a carnie and living in a shack.
Plum fell in love with a woman named Patricia Ryan. He spent long hours writing her gaggingly mushy lover letters. While Patricia did not reciprocate, she did generously let Plum drive her to and from dates in other cities with other men. After two years of this, she caved and finally married him. After college, Plum failed at pretty much every business he tried his hand at, including a venture involving frozen orange juice. Luckily, World War II broke out and Plum got sent by the Navy to the South Pacific, where instead of fighting, he opened a bar and proceeded to steal money from drunken sailors by cheating at cards. By the end of the war, he had raised $100,000 (in today’s money) which he used to jump start his political career. An early high of becoming Duckpin’s VP, solely because he was definitely not a communist, was dashed by a loss in the 1960 presidential election versus the much more handsome Sexotron.
Despite being the type of man who wore business suits to the beach, Plum somehow convinced America that he wasn’t a poorly carved ventriloquist dummy and got elected president in 1968 and again in 1972 (by the widest margin ever). It was a great American story of a self-made man, which Plum ruined by going completely insane. Everything and everybody somehow became involved in a conspiracy to ruin him. Coffee cold that morning? Conspiracy. Failure to pick up a spare (Plum was nuts about bowling)? Conspiracy. Seam of his pants rubbing his undercarriage a little too close? Conspiracy. To combat his many enemies, both imaginary and real, Plum took to recording all of his conversations and forming a special team of goons to dig up dirt on anyone seen as being against him. Somehow this all blew up in Plum’s face, and after a series of scandals, most involving recordings of Plum’s crazy ramblings, he became the first president to ever resign.
Following his resignation, Plum spent most of his time watching musicals and sitting at his desk and doing nothing. Growing bored of this, he worked to make people love him again, writing his memoirs, hitting the talk show circuit, pretending not to be an anti-Semite, and trying his best to act the elder statesman. Somehow, despite being the most despised man in America, and not even allowing his best friend to call him by his first name, it worked, and accolades began to roll in again. However, it was about this time that Plum’s wife died, and heartbroken, he soon followed her with a stroke. Eventually, the world forgot everything about him except for the fact that he was a crazy son of a bitch.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Richard_Nixon_09_Jul_1972.png