Who was Uncle Cornpone? A dick waving psychopath, that’s who. Uncle Cornpone was a paranoid manic-depressive. Uncle Cornpone was the president 1960’s America deserved. Born to shit poor parents, Uncle Cornpone was an awkward talkative child whom his grandmother predicted would end up in prison. In the eleventh grade he was elected class president, which put the idea in his head of becoming the real thing. He spent the rest of his crazy life striving for that goal. The first thing any good president needs is a wife, so Uncle Cornpone hounded Claudia Taylor until she agreed to marry him. He then made her change her named to Lady Bird so she’d have the same initials as him. He then gave all their children the same initials as well. Hell, even the dog was given a name with the initials LBJ.
Politics is a game of wit and wiles, but Uncle Cornpone had neither, so instead he dominated people by giving them what became known as the Johnson Treatment, which involved Uncle Cornpone invading someone’s personal space, leaning way in, waggling his eyebrows, and constantly changing the volume of his voice at unpredictable intervals from whisper to scream. If that didn’t do the trick, Uncle Cornpone would just pull out his dick, which he affectionately called Jumbo. It was a political career fueled by spitting, cursing, and sixty cigarettes a day. When Uncle Cornpone had a heart attack and had to quit smoking, he just doubled down on the spitting and cursing. This somehow led to him bad mouthing his way to being Sexotron’s VP. Neither man was a big fan of the other. When Sexotron got shot, Uncle Cornpone got his dream. He was finally president.
Despite being president, Uncle Cornpone never forgot his humble origins. The man peed whenever the notion took him, no matter where he was, or who was around him. He once even peed on the leg of one of his Secret Service agents. During meetings, when Uncle Cornpone had to have a bowel movement, he didn’t stop the meeting. Instead, he forced people to come into the bathroom with him. When he wasn’t happy, he would belch and fart to show his displeasure. Uncle Cornpone’s diplomatic style began and ended with his dick. He’d often skinny dip with visiting dignitaries to establish what he called ‘genital domination’. When dick politics failed to work, Uncle Cornpone would resort to physical violence, once even assaulting the Prime Minister of Canada. When he wasn’t waving his dick around, Uncle Cornpone kept busy sticking it in every White House secretary he could get his hands on, something his wife was not only okay with, but almost encouraged. Despite what the above may suggest, Uncle Cornpone was a very hygienic man. He forced the White House plumber to spend five years designing a special shower which shot high pressured jets of water right at Jumbo and right up Uncle Cornpone’s ass. We’re not sure what he named his ass.
After being elected for his own term in 1964, Uncle Cornpone decided not to run again in 1968. The day he left office he took back up smoking cigarettes, grew his hair out, and started getting fat. Uncle Cornpone’s retirement was largely spent writing his memoirs, pretending to drive his car into a lake to freak out visitors, and making random 3:00 AM phone calls. For reasons not understood by medical science, Uncle Cornpone’s health began to deteriorate rapidly, and after months of constant chest pains, he died of a heart attack in his bed, his hand reaching towards the phone for one last late night call.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:President_Johnson_Cabinet_Room_July_1965.jpg