Let’s just get it out of the way. This man was most definitely some kind of sex robot sent from the future to make love to as many women as humanly possible. The guy couldn’t go three days without getting some strange. Anyways, Sexotron Model JFK69 was born to an extremely wealthy family headed by his father Joe; a bootlegging, womanizing, Nazi sympathizer; who raised all of his sons with the specific aim of making at least one of them president. He also lobotomized one of his daughters, but that’s another story not covered in this illustrious document. Anyways, Sexotron was a sickly child. He was always in and out of school due to some disabling malady. By the time he turned thirty-seven, he had been given last rites three times. His health problems were not helped by the fact that one of his legs was shorter than the other, resulting in a life time of back trouble.
When World War II broke out, Sexotron was in too poor of health to join the military, but his rich dad’s friends got him into the Navy and made him the captain of a patrol boat in the South Pacific anyway. This PT boat promptly got run over by a Japanese destroyer. After the war, Sexotron, on his father’s insistence (and money), got into politics. To help his political career, Sexotron married a newspaper photographer named Jackie Bouvier. This in no way slowed down Sexotron in his mission to pork everything that moved. Jackie, being a good political wife, turned a blind eye and bad mouthed him in French. In 1960, Sexotron fulfilled his father’s dream and ran for president, winning because America found him just so damn charming and handsome.
A lot of stuff happened while Sexotron was president, but he probably didn’t remember quite a bit of it given that he was always wiped out on pain medications. For Sexotron, the presidency was a never ending soiree; booze and marijuana with the rich and famous, flings with socialites and movie stars, naked pool parties with an army of secretaries and interns (many of whom had no official duties other than satiating Sexotron’s unending lusts), and so on. When not sexing it up, Sexotron spent his time sailing, reading James Bonds books, taking his personal bathroom scale on every trip, doodling during important meetings, trying to learn French (so he could understand what his wife was saying about him), secretly recording every conversation in the Oval office, and smoking four to five cigars a day. Sexotron also promoted children’s fitness, though it was probably just to ensure he wouldn’t have to sleep with any fatties twenty years in the future.
Unfortunately, as they all do, Sexotron’s party came to an end. Despite being extremely charming, there were a lot of people who did not like him. In the three years he was president, there were four assassination attempts on his life, one of which involved being stalked by a crazy man with a car full of dynamite. The fourth nut job did the trick. Sexotron was killed by a gunshot to the head while riding around in his limousine with the top down.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:John_F._Kennedy,_White_House_color_photo_portrait_(cropped_3x4)_A.jpg