Duckpin, named after a game somewhat similar to bowling that he played all the damn time, was born into a poor family of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Duckpin was originally named David, but after trying it out for a bit, his mother decided that David was a stupid name and that he should be named Dwight. Finding Dwight too hard to remember, she then just started calling him Ike for short, a name she liked so much that she just started using it for all of his siblings as well. When your mother calls you and all of your brothers the same name, you often find unique ways to differentiate yourself. Duckpin did this by spending his childhood hanging out with an illiterate hobo who taught him how to fish and play cards. Duckpin’s family were pacifists, so naturally he joined the Army and went to West Point. He spent most of his time there ignoring his studies and playing every sport possible, except for baseball, because apparently fuck baseball.
After leaving West Point, Duckpin went on vacation and met a woman named Mamie Doud. He apparently decided that she was good enough because he married her a few months later. When they exchanged vows, Duckpin let Mamie know that she would always come in second in his book behind the good old U.S. of A. He then proceeded to drag her around the country for thirty-five years, moving about once a year. For some reason, it was not a happy marriage. Despite having never been in actual combat, when World War II broke out Duckpin got made leader of all Allied armies in Europe. This probably had nothing to do with the fact that he often let his superiors win at cards. Becoming the top general had its perks, such as a British fashion model for a personal driver. The two of course had an affair, though it wasn’t a very salacious one considering Duckpin couldn’t get his flag to full staff. Despite this, Duckpin wanted to marry his mistress/driver. Like a good soldier he asked his superiors for permission to get a divorce. They said no.
After the war, everyone wanted Duckpin to be president. He declined to run in 1948, but gave in and won by a landslide in both 1952 and 1956. Duckpin spent most of his presidency fighting communists (again, both real and imaginary), making sure his three lucky coins were always in his pocket, painting so-so portraits of his wife (his general attitude towards her probably didn’t help), and playing a ridiculous amount of golf. Duckpin loved golf so much that he had a putting green installed at the White House. When squirrels started tearing up his putting green, he ordered the Secret Service to shoot them. Duckpin was not a healthy man. During his presidency he suffered a heart attack and a stroke, both of which incapacitated him for a time.
Duckpin spent his post-presidency years mostly continuing his never ending quest of perfecting his golf game and painting pictures that even he said were shit. He also worked on his memoirs, which for some strange reason did not include mention of that time during the war when he was unable to get an erection. Duckpin’s health continued to fail, resulting in several more heart attacks, until it finally just gave up. Duckpin’s last words were, “I want to go, God take me.” Duckpin’s one regret for his entire life was that he had never played baseball while at West Point.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Dwight_Eisenhower_landing_a_grouper_(8056378483).jpg