What can you say about Harry? Harry thought he was the coolest guy ever, but everyone else thought he was an asshat. He was born to middle class asshat parents who didn’t even bother to send him to school until he was eight years old, but forced him to get up at 5:00 AM every day to practice the piano. Harry didn’t go to university. Instead, he tried to join the Army, but was rejected because he was blind as a bat. Harry then worked a series of clerical jobs where he was paid so little that he had to live in a hobo camp. When World War I broke out, Harry cheated his way into the Army by memorizing all the eye charts. The Army then put his blind ass in charge of artillery. Harry spent most of the war showing off his wide range of hobo profanities.
Harry was in love with his childhood friend Bess Wallace. When he asked her to marry him, she said no, which to Harry meant, ‘pester me until I say yes’. She finally gave in, which was lucky for Harry since it allowed him to move into his new mother-in-law’s house, which was needed given that he had recently lost all of his money in a failed haberdashery business. Unfazed, Harry went into politics. Being a foul mouthed hick worked amazingly well for Harry, and he won a series of elections which culminated with him becoming Vice President in 1944. However, President Frank wasn’t a big fan of his new VP. Consequently, the two almost never met or talked. Harry was relegated to a role of mostly playing the piano to entertain the troops.
The not so sudden death of President Frank elevated Harry to the presidency. Harry, not knowing what to do, probably because he had never been briefed on anything, pretended to be Frank for the next three years. People liked Frank, so it went over quite well. In 1948, Harry ran for president, an election nobody thought he could win, not even his own wife. Harry, unperturbed, rode a train around the country, cursing at people at every stop. After winning the election, Harry decided it was time to be himself. Unfortunately, himself turned out to be an incompetent crazy person who constantly lost his temper. Harry spent his second term fighting communists (both real and imagined), asking his mother for advice on how to be president, and writing angry letters to newspapers who dared to suggest that his daughter’s singing was shitty.
Nobody wanted Harry to run again in 1952, so instead he went back to his mother-in-law’s house and retired. Harry was completely broke, having spent all of his salary on tailored suits, brightly colored shirts, and bowties. Most of the early days of Harry’s retirement was spent taking out loans and writing his memoirs. Embarrassed by his poverty, the U.S. government created a pension for ex-presidents. When Medicare was created Harry was given the first card. The free government healthcare did the trick. Harry went into the hospital to be treated for pneumonia, where he died from all his organs simultaneously failing.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Oud-president_Harry_Truman_van_de_Verenigde_Staten,_Bestanddeelnr_926-1238.jpg