Frank was born to rich bored parents who didn’t bother to get around to naming him for seven weeks. Frank was home schooled until the age of fourteen, after which he went to the finest schools his family’s money could buy where he was at best a C student. Growing bored with school, he dropped out of university, and, again with his family’s money, entered politics. It was around this time that Frank took the honorable approach of marrying his fifth cousin, Eleanor Roosevelt. Frank’s mother didn’t approve of the match and showed it by pretty much dominating every aspect of the newlyweds lives, including raising their children and overseeing their finances, even giving the couple a monthly allowance. Frank, being a bit of a momma’s boy, just went along with it. This lasted until his mother died in 1941.
Frank and Eleanor’s marriage was not an easy one, even without the domineering mother-in-law aspect. Eleanor hated sex and Frank liked it so much he did it with a lot of other women. Despite this, they still somehow managed to have several children. Things got really rocky when Eleanor discovered Frank was in love with her secretary, a woman named Lucy Mercer. Eleanor offered to step aside and give Frank a divorce, but his mother made them stay together, probably because the thought of not torturing Eleanor was too much for her. Though the pair remained married, they never lived together again. A compromise was reached. Eleanor started hanging out with prominent lesbians and Frank’s lusts were sated by a bout of polio that paralyzed him from the waist down. Unable to monger whores any longer, Frank threw his passions into politics and stamp collecting. He excelled at both, collecting over a million stamps and getting himself elected president in 1932.
As president, Frank fought the Great Depression using what he himself called policies similar to the economic reforms of fascist Italy. In 1936, he easily won re-election thanks to a campaign of union thugs and threats that everyone would lose their government sponsored jobs if they voted for the other guy. This strategy worked again in the election of 1940 and again in the election of 1944. World War II basically allowed Frank to nationalize everything. Despite being extremely busy, Frank always took time to keep up on his favorite hobbies; collecting stamps, watching Mae West movies, having the IRS and FBI investigate his enemies, snorting cocaine for a “sinus condition”, and ordering his bodyguards to beat the shit out of anyone who tried to take photos of him in his wheelchair. Frank also arrested all of the Japanese people in the country, pretended that the holocaust wasn’t happening, tried to add seats to the Supreme Court so they’d quit declaring his policies unconstitutional, and ordered the White House servants to segregate themselves by race.
Despite his health starting to fail early in his third term, Frank was pretty much convinced he should be president forever. As he got sicker, he asked Eleanor to move back in with him, a request which she flatly refused. Instead, Frank’s daughter, always one to stir the pot, hooked her father back up with his old mistress, Lucy Mercer, who soon after convinced Frank to get his portrait painted, which is never a good sign that people think you’ll get better. Right in the middle of sitting for his portrait, Frank complained of a terrible headache, slumped over, and died of a stroke. Not long after his death, an amendment was added to the constitution limiting how many times a person could be president.
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