Bertie had a tough luck childhood. By the time he was nine years old both his parents were dead. Luckily for him, various family members took him in, by which we mean they used him for veritable slave labor, working his ass off, and then shipping him on to the next relative. This practice ended when he was shipped across the country to his uncle, a man who apparently couldn’t afford the train ticket to send him back. Bertie’s uncle, a man with an endless supply of stumps on his farm, decided that Bertie would be better off removing said stumps than going to school. Luckily, Bertie apparently didn’t sleep, attending night school for his education. Deciding that his life could be better, for some unknown reason, Bertie decided to go to university. This dream was nearly dashed when he failed his entry exams, but he was still allowed in because the examiner found him so gosh darn charming. History does not record exactly what that means.
Bertie graduated with a degree in geology and soon after took a job at a mine in Australia. Here, he started some Mad Max shite, manipulating the other employees to oust his boss because that’s how business works in Australia. For this, his company gave him a promotion and sent him to China. To celebrate, Bertie sent a telegram to his college girlfriend, Lou Henry, asking her to marry him, a proposal method she was apparently totally cool with. Bertie was damn good at mining, so good that he became a millionaire by age 40. Growing bored with turning rocks into a shit ton of money, Bertie shifted gears and started several relief charities for war torn Europe. This led to him getting appointed to several government positions, which in turn led to literally everyone wanting him to be president. Bertie happily obliged and won the election in 1928.
Who would have thought that it probably wouldn’t be that good of an idea to make some random rich guy with zero political experience president? Soon after being elected, the country fell into the Great Depression. Bertie responded by doing nothing and using the Army to attack veterans who dared to ask for their government pensions. While the world went to hell, Bertie hosted extravagant seven course meals at the White House (which always included sweet potatoes with marshmallows), traded sexy banter with his wife in Chinese, and played Hooverball (a game he made up involving people throwing a medicine ball at each other). A bit of an elitist, Bertie insisted that all the White House servants be the same height and that they never be seen. When he walked into a room the servants had to hurriedly hide in closets or around corners, hoping they didn’t accidentally step on one of two alligators Bertie let roam freely in the White House. During his presidency Bertie did get hundreds of towns named after him. Unfortunately, they were all shantytowns. Surprisingly, he did not win re-election in 1932.
Following his presidency, Bertie spent most of his time fly fishing, writing books, and writing books about fly fishing. He and his wife would go on long aimless drives to the middle of nowhere, which seems gutsy considering how many people disliked him. Bertie also worked with several aid charities, bad mouthed President Frank every chance he got, was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize five times, and held the record for the largest bonefish ever caught in Florida. At age 90, doctors removed a tumor from Bertie’s intestine. They must have done a bang up job, because not long after, he died from internal bleeding in his gut.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Herbert_Hoover_LOC_19749454734.jpg