Cal, often called Silent Cal because he never spoke, was born to middle class parents who ran a store and a farm. While still a child, his mother died, and his upbringing was mostly left to his crazy ass grandmother who demanded perfection and locked Cal in the attic for days at time when he failed to meet her expectations. This experience made Cal a weird guy, an unexcitable man with a serious demeanor and a bone dry sense of humor. Like most presidents, Cal went to university and became a lawyer. For a wife, Cal married Grace Anna Goodhue. It was a good match. Cal never spoke a word and she never shut up. Grace fell in love with Cal after she peeped into his window and caught him shaving wearing nothing but long johns and a derby hat. She thought it was hilarious, which seems an odd reason to decide to marry someone. Grace was a teacher for the deaf and dumb, and often people would mistake Cal for one of her students. For a wedding gift, Cal gave Grace fifty pairs of socks that needed mending.
Despite lacking in loquaciousness, Cal could be quite an eloquent speaker when he chose to be. This helped him when he decided to get into politics, slowly working his way up to national office. What didn’t help him was the fact that he didn’t swing his arms when he walked. Despite this peculiarity, he was chosen to run for Vice President in 1920 because everyone just kind of assumed that he was probably an okay guy. Two years into Cal’s tenure as Vice President, President Winnie up and died. Cal was off visiting the family farm at the time, so his father, who was a justice of the peace, woke up him at 2:30 AM and administered the oath of office. Cal then went back to sleep.
Cal carried out his presidential duties by pretending that he wasn’t president. He avoided doing as much as possible when it came to running the country, and when people came to talk to him, he just sat silently until they felt uncomfortable and left. For some odd reason, Cal did allow people to bring him costumes, which he would willingly put on for photographs. These costumes included a Sioux war bonnet and a full cowboy costume, including a ten gallon hat and chaps with his name on them. Cal kept the hat and wore it while riding a mechanical horse he had installed in his dressing room for exercise. Once, while staying at a hotel, Cal awoke to a burglar in his room. Instead of calling for help, Cal talked to the burglar for several hours and then loaned him 35 bucks. In 1924, Cal was elected to be president again. Not long after, his son died from an infected blister, an event that somehow made Cal even more silent. It also caused him to become slightly unhinged. Cal spent his second term playing pranks on the White House staff, throwing temper tantrums, and forcing the maid to rub Vaseline on his head while he ate breakfast.
Cal chose not to run for president again in 1928, mostly because as he put it, he hated the job. In retirement, he spent most of his time writing his memoirs, preparing a weekly newspaper column, and racing around in his speedboat. In 1932, people tried to get him to run for president again, but he politely told them to fuck off. However, they did convince him to give a speech supporting President Bertie. The speech lasted 30 minutes. Cal died soon after of a heart attack, probably brought on by the exertion of talking for so long.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:John_Calvin_Coolidge,_Bain_bw_photo_portrait_(1).jpg