Jeffy, who was also a lawyer, was some kind of eccentric genius who loved science and reading. Like many famous men of his time, he married his hot third cousin, Martha Skelton, which just so happened to also double his land and wealth. Jeffy then proceeded to lose all of his money building a ridiculously large house called Monticello. When Martha died young, she forced Jeffy to promise never to remarry. Jeffy, an outside the box type of thinker, solved this unfortunate situation by sexing it up with one of his own slaves, Sally Hemmings, who also happened to be his wife’s half-sister.
Jeffy was widely considered to be a weird dude, even for someone who devoted their life to politics. He would often come to meetings dressed in a fashion similar to Liberace (if Liberace was a hobo), wearing his bedroom slippers, with a mockingbird sitting and shitting on his shoulder. A shy man, Jeffy avoided eye contact with those around him, mumbled when spoken to, and was easily startled by loud noises. This was the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence, but more importantly, this was the man who invented the swivel chair.
In 1800, Jeffy got elected president by being less of an asshole than President Johnny, a feat that couldn’t have been that hard to do. For his inauguration he was presented with a 1,200 pound cheese, which he left in the White House until it stank up the joint. Jeffy’s presidency was a random collection of crazy shit. Jeffy doubled the size of the country by buying Louisiana from France, fought a war with pirates in North Africa, and dealt with his former Vice President, Aaron Burr, who was conspiring to create some kind of personal kingdom out west. Just to keep things as weird as possible, Jeffy kept a sheep at the White House which was widely believed to be possessed by the devil or something along those lines. The sheep would often attack visitors and even killed a young boy.
Despite owning a killer sheep, Jeffy was re-elected in 1804. He then pretty much checked out and let his subordinates do all the work while he went back to expanding and refurbishing his already ridiculous house. This never ending project drove him into poverty. Jeffy’s presidency made him quite famous, and throughout his retirement unwanted guests would come to visit, treating the poor shy man as though he were some kind of zoo exhibit. As Jeffy got older he developed rheumatism, which he treated by visiting hot springs. This resulted in him getting a terrible ass infection, which his old timey doctors treated with mercury. This of course led to mercury poisoning, the treatment for which resulted in him getting a kidney infection, which in turn finally killed him off.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Jefferson#/media/File:Official_Presidential_portrait_of_Thomas_Jefferson_(by_Rembrandt_Peale,_1800)(cropped).jpg