Johnny was a short, squat man who was the first lawyer to be president, starting a precedent that we could have really done without. Johnny was a bookish child, which is a polite way to say he was a bit of a dork who had the social skills of a farting orangutan. However, even nerds rebel, and for Johnny that meant secretly writing essays under the pseudonym Humphrey Ploughjogger and marrying his hot third cousin, Abigail Smith, probably to save on wedding expenses. Johnny had to be careful with his money; he was a middle class misfit running in upper class circles, a fact that never ceased to bother him.
Johnny first rose to prominence when he defended the British soldiers who perpetrated the Boston Massacre, a decision he made purely for the money and exposure. During the Revolutionary War, Johnny worked 18 hour days doing pretty much all of the tedious paper pusher type of stuff that everyone else found really boring. While others were writing the Declaration of Independence, he was filling out forms in triplicate to make sure the army had enough socks. Doing such thankless tasks made Johnny feel as though he was a vital part of the war effort. Everyone else considered him pretty dull and often described him as a fat little vain obnoxious bitch (but of course in fancy old timey terms).
In 1796, Johnny got himself elected president by running on the platform that his opponent, and former best friend, Thomas Jefferson, was an immoral twat who probably drowned kittens or something along those lines. Once elected, Johnny went all sorts of crazy, forcing people to call him “His Highness” and making it pretty much illegal to disagree with him in anyway. Acting like a crazy dictator did not go over well for some reason, and strangely Johnny was not re-elected in 1800. After losing, Johnny refused to go to Thomas Jefferson’s inauguration, instead sneaking out of Washington DC at four in the morning.
After his presidency, Johnny spent most of his time writing essays and letters to his pen pals to refute the mean things Alexander Hamilton had said about him nine years earlier. It should probably be mentioned that at this point Alexander Hamilton had been dead for five years. Amazingly, writing what amounted to angry letters to the editor did not pay well, and Johnny became a pauper in his old age, dependent upon his children for money. Johnny died of heart failure, which was probably totally unrelated to the fact that the man resembled a walking potato.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Adams#/media/File:Gilbert_Stuart,_John_Adams,_c._1800-1815,_NGA_42933.jpg