Jemmy, as he was called by his jerky friends and family, was an extremely tiny man. I cannot overemphasize how tiny he was. We’re talking about 5 foot 4, 100 pounds sopping wet. We’re talking so tiny he tried to join the army during the Revolutionary War and was told he was too tiny. Jemmy didn’t help his shortcomings at all by being a huge nerd. He went to university, where unsure what to do with his life, he just studied everything. Jemmy was a studying machine. He studied so long and hard that he actually damaged his health. Oh yeah, he just wasn’t tiny, he was also sickly. The man was sick all the time. Like constant tummy troubles and epileptic fits sick. Jemmy was just a tiny, delicate little dude.
Not being big enough to fight, Jemmy instead got involved in politics and heavy drinking, though to be fair, at the time you really couldn’t do one without the other. After the Revolutionary War, Jemmy did help write one famous document. Perhaps you’ve heard of it: the U.S. Constitution. Not impressed? You try designing a government while you’re drunk, have constant diarrhea, keep passing out for no good reason, and your asshole friends keep making short jokes behind your back. Like most nerds, Jemmy had to wait until he was successful later in life to get married. Of course, when he did, it was to a hot piece of ass seventeen years his junior, a widower named Dolley Todd.
Jemmy was elected president in 1808 because President Jeffy told everyone to vote for him and because everyone thought his wife Dolley was just the coolest. Seriously, there are entire books written on how awesome and fabulously popular Dolley was. In 1812, the U.S. got involved in the creatively named War of 1812. To this day no one really has any to clue to why. It was probably the most pointless war in history. We burned down some buildings in Canada, the British burned down the White House, that was about it. Of course, what do you expect with tiny little Jemmy in power? It wouldn’t be hard to imagine some Napoleon Complex aspect to the whole thing (though given Napoleon was still alive at the time they probably called it something else). New England also tried to secede from the union during his tenure, so you know, Jemmy wasn’t doing all that great of a job.
After his presidency, Jemmy retired to his plantation, Montpelier, where he sat around playing chess, reading Latin, and slowly going broke. As he got older, Jemmy became super paranoid about his legacy. He got so paranoid that he went all Joseph Stalin on his letters and diaries, changing everything that might in any way make him look bad, so you know, pretty much everything. Lifting that heavy pen must have been pretty rough on his delicate little body, as Jemmy eventually died of heart failure.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:James_Madison_by_Chester_Harding,_1829-1830_-_DSC03222.JPG