In 1776, Mad Jimmy dropped out of law school to join the Continental Army in the Revolutionary War. There he served as a scout for many major battles, gaining the reputation for being a half crazy bad ass. We can’t prove that Mad Jimmy once bit a British soldier’s face off, but we can’t disprove it either. After the war, Mad Jimmy got heavily involved in politics, serving in some type of office for the rest of his life, probably because it was easier than having a real job. All his politicking caught the eye of Elizabeth Kortright, a well known babe who was so hot that she once interrupted an entire play just by entering the theater. Mad Jimmy of course married her, and then celebrated his nuptials by honeymooning on Long Island, which was apparently super romantic at the time, and then opposing the ratification of the U.S. Constitution.
Mad Jimmy was elected president by a landslide in 1816 because the opposing party, instead of having the balls to run a nominee against him, instead decided to just fold up and quit existing. In 1820, he ran unopposed again, so was unsurprisingly re-elected. Mad Jimmy was a bit of an unconventional politician. He was well known for chasing his cabinet members around the White House with a pair of fire tongs when he got angry, and he always wore clothes that were at least thirty years out of date. Mad Jimmy was pretty much the last guy in America to still wear powdered wigs, knee breeches, and those funky shoes with the big buckles on them. In other words, Mad Jimmy was exactly like that uncle of yours who still wears polyester suits.
Despite his shortcomings, Mad Jimmy did know how to get shit done. In 1819, he bought Florida from Spain, probably just because he thought it would be funny if the map of the U.S.A. looked like it had a penis. He was also the first president to ride in a steamboat, which is something, we guess, and he created the Monroe Doctrine, which basically told Europe to keep their dirty fingers out of the business of all the new nations in the Americas, because, by god, if anyone was going to screw them up, it was going to be Mad Jimmy and the good old U.S. of A.
After his presidency, Mad Jimmy retired to Virginia, where, like most of his predecessors, he did his best to go completely broke. Martha, who despite being a total babe, was never really the picture of health, which drove Mad Jimmy further into insolvency. When she died, he became severely depressed and moved in with his daughter in New York City. There, he died of tuberculosis and heart failure. Though truth to be told, he missed his wife so much that he probably actually died of a broken heart…….and tuberculosis.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Monroe#/media/File:Chester_Harding_-_James_Monroe_-_NPG.2005.44_-_National_Portrait_Gallery.jpg