Dubya was born into an aristocratic family where his father was away most of the time making money. His mother raised him and his siblings in the aristocratic fashion of disciplinary slaps and heated competitions for her love. Like many children, Dubya became rebellious in his college years. God only knows why. Since his family was a bunch of preppy wasps, this involved him becoming a drunken redneck lout. College age Dubya was later described as John Belushi in Animal House without the class. Despite these antics, Dubya graduated with a degree in business, avoided the draft by joining the Texas National Guard, and then went into the oil business.
The oil business did not work out well for Dubya, probably because he had put his amateur college drinking days behind him and had moved on to being a truly professional alcoholic. In polite terms, Dubya was a wayward soul. In real terms he was arrested three times for drunk in public, drunk driving, and stealing a Christmas wreath. He also once challenged his father to a fist fight. To put it bluntly, the man had daddy issues. If he had been born a girl he probably would have ended up being a stripper. Moving on from oil, Dubya became a part owner of a Major League Baseball team, where his drinking was less of a liability. It was at this time that he met Laura Welch at a barbeque. She put an end to Dubya’s hijinks. The pair got married and she forced him to sober up and go to church. Having a lot of extra time now that he wasn’t drunk 24/7, Dubya decided to go into politics, a move that led him to running for president in 2000.
Dubya won the election thanks to a combination of pretending to be stupider than he actually was, helped along by his shitty public speaking skills, and poorly designed ballots. The fact that his opponent had the charisma of piece of wood in a fancy suit didn’t hurt either. Dubya was an authoritarian by nature, and though America was a democracy, the White House was a dictatorship. Everything from Dubya’s early bedtime to the length of women’s skirts was strictly regulated. Dubya spent most of his presidency being extremely paranoid about terrorists, dancing in the whitest fashion possible, making up somewhat clever nicknames for everyone he met, and taking overly long vacations to his ranch where he spent his free time clearing brush. Hoping to impress his father, Dubya started hanging out with President Poppy’s old friends and invaded a country for no good reason. This did not work out well. Dubya was one of the most loved presidents at the start of his presidency, allowing him to get re-elected in 2004, but a hurricane, endless, war, and a financial collapse led to him being the most despised president by the time he left office.
When Dubya left the White House he quietly disappeared, preferring to be out of the limelight except for a few public speaking appearances. With all the brush on his ranch cleared during his presidency, Dubya had to find a new hobby for his retirement. He settled on oil painting. Dubya’s paintings tended to focus on portraits of world leaders, dogs, and several of himself naked in the shower and bathtub. Dubya is still alive today, painting like a first year art student and jealously guarding his most prized possession, a photo of him with the band ZZ Top.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:George_W._Bush_during_presentation_of_Michael_A._Monsoor%27s_Medal_of_Honor.jpg