Let’s get it out of the way first thing. Barry is an asshole. All of the presidents have been assholes. That’s kind of been the point of all this. Barry’s father, who was from Kenya, met his mother while they were in university together. Despite already having a wife and two kids back in Kenya, Barry’s dad knocked up his mother and then married her. Two years later he left Barry’s mother to go knock up and marry other women. The man had a hobby. Barry’s mom, not one to let shit get her down, re-married, this time to a dude from Indonesia. Barry spent several years of his childhood living in Indonesia, eating dog and snake and playing with his pet monkey Tata, before getting sent back to the U.S. to live with his grandparents. Money was tight, but thanks to student loans and scholarships, Barry got to go to some of the best universities in the country.
Barry experimented with alcohol and drugs a bit growing up, but spent most of his time playing basketball, listening to disco music, driving around in his rust bucket car, smoking cigarettes, and collecting comic books. While in law school, Barry met his future wife, Michelle Robinson, who just so happened to also be his supervisor. After law school, Barry took a job teaching law. He also got involved in state politics and wrote two autobiographies about how awesome he was. The second autobiography helped propel Barry into national politics, and also allowed him to finally pay off his student loans, four years before getting elected president. In 2008, Barry ran for president on a message of hope, change, and that President Dubya was the worst person ever, much of it delivered via clever internet memes. The strategy worked and Barry won the election.
Barry’s presidency mostly consisted of playing golf, sneaking smokes outside, blaming Dubya for practically everything, and pointing out positive statistics even though nobody really felt all that positive about them. Soon after his election, Barry was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. To celebrate, he kept the U.S. in a state of war throughout his presidency. Barry was great at campaigning for president, but not so good at actually being president. Barry was a man of strong convictions, which is a nice way of saying he didn’t know how to compromise. When people disagreed with him, he would become a bit of a jerk, standoffish and condescending, which for some reason didn’t make people see things his way. It probably didn’t help that he would often give unwanted advice on the best way to carry out mundane activities, such as shaking hands. When Barry was elected president, half the country loved him and half hated him. By the end of his presidency, half still hated him and the other half was just moderately okay with him. For Barry, this was of course totally somebody else’s fault.
After leaving the White House, Barry said his main goals were to get his driver’s license back and learn how to use a phone newer than a Blackberry. Barry got a taste of his own medicine via his successor blaming everything wrong with the country on him, which might be why his wife became good friends with former President Dubya. In retirement, Barry has done what he does best, writing memoirs about himself. Proving he’s the first president who knows how the internet works, he has also started producing Netflix documentaries and hosting a podcast with Bruce Springsteen. Barry is still alive today, undoubtedly sure of himself.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Barack_Obama_profile_picture.jpg