Tippy was born to a wealthy plantation family where he spent his time doing rich plantation stuff, such as knocking up enslaved women. Tiring of these shenanigans, Tippy’s family sent him to medical school, but like so many rich kids, he soon dropped out and became a deadbeat. Embarrassed, his family convinced him to join the military where he was sent to the frontier to fight the natives. It was here that he met Anna Symmes, a woman who had a lot going for her: she was well educated, easy on the eyes, and her family was wealthy. So of course, like many women who have a lot going for them, she decided to marry a deadbeat despite her family’s protests.
Though a deadbeat, Tippy did prove to be rather good at fighting the natives of the frontier. In fact, he slaughtered a whole village of them at Tippencanoe, earning the nickname Old Tippencanoe, again, because people were super creative back then, and also because old timey folks were just the worst. Somehow, slaughtering women and children translated into getting into politics, which resulted in Tippy getting elected a frontier governor. He then retired to help invade Canada during the War of 1812, and then became a member of Congress for a while before retiring because he was getting pretty damned old.
In 1840, people noticed that, similar to Crazy Ass Jackson, Tippy was a general with a silly nickname who hated Natives Americans, and decided that was a good enough reason to have him run for president. Tippy, thanks to his rich upbringing, was an aristocratic gentleman who liked to sip wine and talk about the finer things in life. To make him more likable to the general hillbilly population, his campaign claimed that he lived in a log cabin and spent most of his time drinking hard cider from a jug. The ruse, combined with his campaign of handing out free booze, worked, and Tippy was elected president.
Tippy was an old man when he was elected president. Old as balls. But to prove he was healthy as a horse, Tippy gave the longest inauguration speech in U.S. history, in the freezing rain, with no gloves, hat, or coat. Unsurprisingly, Tippy got a fever which his old timey doctors treated with the best medicines of the day: opium, enemas, and leeches. Despite the miracles of modern medicine, Tippy died after being president for only 33 days.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:William_Henry_Harrison_daguerreotype.jpg