Old K was a short troll like man who couldn’t grow hair on the top of his head, so instead grew it in copious amounts on the sides of his face. Old K was born in Kinderhook, New York, and was given the nickname Old Kinderhook (which led to the phrase OK), because people were crazy creative back then. Though in retrospect, it was better than his other nicknames, which included Little Van, Martin Van Ruin, Blue Whiskey Van (because he was a drunk), and the Little Magician. As with many presidents, he was a lawyer who married his hot first cousin, Hannah Hoes, because if you’re going to marry your cousin, it better not be the one with the good personality. Unlike other presidents, Old K’s first language was Dutch.
When he was younger, Old K was known for being a shitty dresser, wearing nothing but homespun, which was the JC Penney of the 19th century. After some friends suggested he try dressing better, he swung the pendulum completely to the other side, wearing frilly clothes with bows and ribbons. When Old K’s wife died young, he decided against remarrying, probably because he was all out of hot cousins, and instead went into politics, becoming the right hand man of crazy ass President AJ. This led him to becoming Vice President, a job he hated so much that he carried live pistols to Senate meetings and often pretended to have a severe cold so he wouldn’t have to attend.
In 1836, Old K was elected president because Crazy Ass Jackson told everyone to vote for him or get shot in a duel. Old K evidently got confused, thinking president meant king. After he was elected, he started riding around in gilded carriages and using only golden dinnerware. He also kept two tiger cubs at the White House and pretty much forced the king of the Netherlands to give him a noble coat of arms. Given that the country was in the middle of an economic depression at the time, this made Old K less than popular. Even keeping Canada from starting a war over Maine couldn’t save his popularity. As happens to many people, the stress made Old K gain weight, a fact he hid by wearing a corset.
Thrown out of office after only one term, Old K returned to Kinderhook, where he got gouty and gassy, and worked on his 776 page autobiography which was notable for never mentioning his wife or the fact that he was once the president. Old K also passed the time by running for president three more times, losing every single time. Old K died by suffocating to death. The doctors claimed it was due to asthma, though it was more likely because the fat bastard refused to loosen his god damn corset.
Image: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Martin_Van_Buren_daguerreotype_by_Mathew_Brady_circa_1849_-_edit_1.jpg