Let’s just get it out of the way right now, Big Lub, also known as Big Bill and Big Chief, was a portly fellow. The guy weighed 330 pounds when he was president. He was a fat man, a fat kid, and probably a fat baby too. Born into an upper crust family, Big Lub spent his childhood going to fancy private schools and earning a reputation as a girthy intellectual. With the combination of fat and smart, you better believe the other kids teased the shit out of him. Big Lub though took it all in stride, and when he attended university, he joined the wrestling team, where his walrus-like stature allowed him to beat the crap out of all his opponents. Besides wrestling, Big Lub also enjoyed tennis, golf, and horseback riding, much to the chagrin of the horses For a fat man, Big Lub was known as one hell of a dancer. It was probably his fancy dance steps, and maybe a bit of a fat fetish, which caught the eye of the woman who became his wife, Nellie Herron.
Following law school, Big Lub was appointed to several federal judicial posts. However, his wife, believing her husband was destined for big things (no pun intended), pushed him to accept a post as the Governor of the Philippines, which at the time was owned by the U.S. and going through a guerilla war which was the Vietnam of its day. Big Lub dealt with the war by gaining more weight, an impressive feat considering he also contracted dengue fever. Returning to the U.S., Big Lub became best buds with President Teedie, who decided that Big Lub would make a perfect president. Big Lub didn’t want to be president, he wanted to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (which is weird given by this point he had already turned down the position three times), but the strong personalities of Nellie and Teedie won the day. Big Lub was elected president in 1908 thanks to the voters being scared of Teedie’s revolver and Nellie’s death stare. Nellie was so overcome with happiness that she died of a stroke soon after.
Big Lub spent most of his presidency eating pounds of almonds, farting, attending baseball games, and falling asleep during meetings (which was hard to hide given he was a terrible snorer). The presidency was not a happy time for Big Lub. Though a jolly fat man with an infectious chuckle, he really didn’t know how to relate to people and was quite lonely. His depression led to him getting even fatter. Things hit a low when he got stuck in the White House bathtub and six aides had to pry him out using pounds of butter for lubricant. A new tub was shortly after installed, one big enough to fit four men. Big Lub was also the first president to own an automobile, probably to save the poor horses the strain of carting his fat ass around. By the end of his presidency, Big Lub was a wreck, openly crying on several occasions. When the 1912 election rolled around, his former best friend Teedie, pissed that Big Lub was not doing exactly as he had been told, ran against Big Lub, splitting the vote. Big Lub came in a distant third.
Out of the White House, Big Lub’s life improved dramatically. He dropped 75 pounds, started teaching, and spent most of his time writing letters railing against the supporters of prohibition. Big Lub did his best to forget that he had ever been president. Later in life he finally obtained his dream, becoming the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. As he got older, Big Lub became very forgetful, even forgetting the presidential oath of office while administering it, and started hallucinating. In the end, Big Lub died of cardiovascular disease, because while he had lost some weight, he was still an extremely fat man.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:William_Howard_Taft,_head-and-shoulders_portrait,_facing_front.jpg