Teedie, who tried to give himself the nickname Colonel, was born into a wealthy family. A sickly child, he was diagnosed with asthma, a condition which his old timey doctors treated with cigars and whiskey. Fearing for his health, Teedie’s parents kept him locked away and isolated in the family mansion for most of his childhood. Teedie spent most of his time reading books, being educated by private tutors, and shooting and then stuffing small animals like some kind of serial killer. While attending university, Teedie was told he had a weak heart. In response, he took up every sport possible, until he had no time for school and dropped out. This caught the eye of a lovely woman named Alice Hathaway Lee, someone who must have shared his interests given they spent their honeymoon climbing the Matterhorn.
Teedie’s life took a bad turn when both his mother and wife died on the same day. To grieve, Teedie moved out west, became a cowboy, and got in fights with random strangers. His bereavement done, he returned to the East Coast, entered public service, and got himself a new wife, Edith Kermit Carow. While serving as the Assistant Secretary of the Navy, he got bored, lied on some memos, and started a war with Spain. He then resigned, formed his own cavalry unit, joined the invasion of Cuba, and became a war hero. This new war hero status led to him getting elected Vice President in 1900. When President Wobbly got shot in 1901, Teedie became the youngest president ever.
Teedie spent most of his presidency metaphorically, and angrily, waving his dick in people’s faces. An avid outdoorsman, he spent most of his time taking strenuous hikes through local parks, blasting away at twigs with his revolver, and swimming naked in the Potomac River. Teedie was also an avid boxer, often challenging people to friendly bouts at the White House, until a lucky punch blinded him in one eye. He then took up jiu-jitsu. In 1904, Teedie was re-elected. His second term was full of just as much angry dick waving and nature humping. Somehow, Teedie won the Nobel Peace Prize, convincing Japan and Russia to sign a peace treaty by using the negotiation tactic of taking the delegates into the woods and showing them his revolver. Teedie celebrated his achievement by becoming the first president to fly in an airplane, probably waving his hat about and yelling the whole god damn time for the Wright Brothers to do a barrel roll. Growing bored, Teedie declined to run for president again in 1908.
After leaving the White House, Teedie went on an African safari where he pretty much shot every animal in existence, even some you’ve probably never heard of because they don’t exist anymore. Returning home, he decided he wanted to be president again and ran as an independent in 1912. This move proved unpopular and a crazy man shot him in the chest. Teedie, ignoring the blood covering his shirt, gave a ninety minute speech before going to the hospital. Teedie got over his loss by going to South America to find the source of a branch of the Amazon River, and probably shoot it. The entire expedition caught malaria, including Teedie, but by god, they found the source of that river nobody cared about. When World War I broke out, Teedie asked the government for permission to raise a personal army of 200,000 men to lead to France, a request that was denied for reasons of being insane. This angered Teedie, who then decided to run for president again. It was at this point that his weak heart, having enough of Teedie’s special brand of crazy bullshit, gave out.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Theodore_Roosevelt,_sem_data.tif