Wobbly Willy, so called because of his cautious and indecisive nature, was born to a wealthy upper crust family. His father, Willy Senior, owned numerous foundries. Wobbly Willy was originally a junior, but abandoned the moniker the day his father died in what amounted to an old timey fuck you dad. Like many rich kids, Wobbly had the opportunity to attend the finest schools, an opportunity, which like many rich kids, he squandered. After just a year at university, he returned home, claiming all the learning was making him sick and depressed. School was no fun, Wobbly enjoyed spending his family’s money a lot more. When the Civil War broke out, Wobbly joined the Army and got put under the command of the future President Granny. Wobbly, a husky lad, spent most of the war working as a clerk.
After the war, Wobbly returned home to discover that his family had gone broke. Robbed of his chosen lifestyle as a lay about, Wobbly went back to university and became a lawyer. He then married Ida Saxton, who though being best described as sickly and a little strange, did come from an extremely rich family. This matrimonial union opened up a whole new world for Wobbly, who started rubbing shoulders with millionaires. These millionaires decided that Wobbly would be the perfect puppet for their interests. Backed by their money, Wobbly entered politics, always wearing a red carnation in his lapel for luck. In 1896 he was elected president, boosted by the most expensive political campaign in history up to that time.
The early years of Wobbly’s presidency were mostly spent teaching his parrot, named Washington Post, to whistle the tune to Yankee Doodle Dandy, and taking care of his sickly wife. The couple had two children who both died young, and the strain had resulted in her developing epilepsy. She’d often have seizures in public, and Wobbly, being a doting husband, would cover her face with a handkerchief and carry on as though nothing strange was happening. By the time Wobbly became president, her mind had started to go too. She refused to move into the White House until everything yellow was removed, including the flowers, and mostly spent her time crocheting thousands of slippers. Wobbly’s later presidency was mostly spent beating up on weaker countries and stealing their toys, a.k.a. their overseas territories. This proved quite popular, and he easily won re-election in 1900.
Wobbly loved people, and spent a lot of time shaking as many hands as possible. It was while at one of the palm pumping exhibitions that he became the first president to ride in an automobile. Unfortunately, this automobile was an ambulance. Seconds after giving his lucky red carnation to a little girl, a crazy anarchist shot him twice in the gut for reasons that can best be described as unhinged. Doctors were unable to find one of the bullets because, as they put it, Wobbly was too fat. Eight days later he died of a nasty infection. Wobbly’s wife did not attend his funeral, but instead stayed home and made more slippers.
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