Ten Spot, nicknamed Ten Cent Jimmy by his opponents, was born in a log cabin, which apparently was a requirement to be president in the mid-nineteenth century. Ten Spot was a weird dude, described as an effeminate, winking, fidgeting, little busy body. The winking was probably a little off-putting given that he had one green eye and one brown eye. Ten Spot did not have a happy childhood. His best friend growing up was his pet parrot Betsy Ross, who he probably taught how to say, “James is the coolest.” Ten Spot went to law school, but quit for a short period to fight in the War of 1812, where he lost his middle finger. Soon after, he went into politics. Ten Spot never got married. He did court a woman named Anne Coleman for a while, but she broke off the engagement and killed herself shortly after, which seemed like a pretty good excuse for Ten Spot to stay a bachelor.
Ten Spot was gay. While he never climbed his way to the top of the Washington Monument and officially proclaimed it or anything, he didn’t do a whole lot to hide it either. Ten Spot lived for ten years with fellow Congressman William Rufus King. People, being the assholes that they have always been, often referred to the pair as Mr. and Mrs. Buchanan, the Siamese Twins, or Miss Nancy and Aunt Fancy. Those ten years were probably the only happy years in Ten Spot’s entire life. When King died, Ten Spot lamented that though he courted other men, he’d never find another one like King.
In 1856, Ten Spot was elected president because he had spent the past several years in England, and hence, was the politician who had the fewest enemies. At the time, the U.S. was in a crisis with states threatening to secede over the slavery issue. Instead of dealing with that, Ten Spot spent most of his time going to church, raising pygmy goats at the White House, and getting ridiculously drunk. Oh yeah, probably should have mentioned that earlier. Ten Spot was a huge alcoholic. He once stated that Russians were a bunch of pussies when it came to drinking. Unsurprisingly, getting black out drunk did little to settle the slavery issue, and by the end of his term seven states had seceded from the Union. Ten Spot reacted by declaring that seceding was technically illegal, but that so was going to war prevent it. He then pretty much spent the rest of his presidency twiddling his thumbs.
Ten Spot was mysteriously not re-nominated in 1860, and when Honest Abe became president, he pretty much handed over the keys to the White house and said good luck with that shit. In retirement, Ten Spot supported the fighting of the Civil War, which apparently in his mind was no longer illegal, and spent his time writing a memoir on why he wasn’t a total fuck up. His detractors claimed his writing was just as poor as his presidency. In the end, Ten Spot caught a bad cold and died of respiratory failure, which is a fancy medical term meaning he quit breathing, which often happens when one dies.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Buchanan#/media/File:James_Buchanan_-_post_presidency.jpg