Frankie had a head of beautiful curly hair, which as he got older, turned into one of the most impressive comb overs in presidential history. Frankie was born in a log cabin and spent much of his childhood learning how to be a depressed alcoholic from his mother. In college, Frankie studied law. He also hung out with the likes of Henry Longfellow and Nathaniel Hawthorne, two literary fellows. Together they spent their time being presumptuous 19th century hipster douche-bags. Questioning why they were even going to college, when you know, the whole world was such bullshit and all. After college Frankie married Jane Appleton, a minister’s daughter who hated alcohol and despised politics. Soon after Frankie became an alcoholic and ran for Congress.
Frankie was the youngest Congressman of his era. He was considered dashing and handsome, though Queen Victoria with her apparent walrus fetish probably didn’t agree. Frankie soon grew tired of politics, and convinced President Pokey, who had recently declared war on Mexico, to make him a general, despite his total lack of military experience. During the war, Frankie was badly wounded when he heroically fell off his horse, which is just something that alcoholics do from time to time. In 1852, he ran for president against the famous war hero General Winfield Scott, also known as Old Fuss and Feathers, a man so fat he looked as if he might die at any moment or be seduced by the Queen. Despite having the less than charming nickname of “The Hero of Many a Well Fought Bottle”, Frankie won the general election by a landslide. This was probably due to the fact that the American people were pretty fed up with old dying generals with funny nicknames.
Frankie’s presidency did not start out on a good note. Just a few short days before his inauguration his son was decapitated by a terrible train accident right in front of Frankie and his wife. Frankie just increased his drinking, but his wife, already a little unhinged, became a hermit. Luckily, President Zack had already installed locks in the White House for his own crazy wife, so it was an easy transition. At his inauguration ceremony, Frankie refused to use a bible for his oath of office, instead demanding to use a book of law. His popularity quickly soured when people realized that he had no leadership skills and was easily manipulated by asshats. Frankie’s greatest achievements included supporting slavery, plotting to invade Cuba (but being too chicken to try it), and drunkenly running over an old lady with his carriage, a crime he got away with because he was the mother fucking president. When the election of 1856 rolled around, his own party refused to re-nominate him.
After leaving the presidency, Frankie took an extended vacation to Europe and the Bahamas, happily drinking away his troubles while his wife died of tuberculosis. During the Civil War, despite living in New Hampshire, Frankie supported the Confederacy and publicly called Abe Lincoln an asshole, a stance that wasn’t all that popular at the time. In the end, Frankie’s alcoholism caught up with him and he died of liver failure. At his funeral, everyone remarked on how good his hair looked.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franklin_Pierce#/media/File:Franklin_Pierce_-_1852.jpg