Many claim Abe was born in a log cabin. In reality he was cobbled together by Dr. Frankenstein. The man was a giant ugly dude. We’re talking so ugly that a little girl wrote him a letter suggesting that he grow a beard to hide his ugly face, and instead of getting angry, he admitted that she might just have a point. When Abe was a child he was kicked in the head by a horse and lay half dead for a week. Soon after, his mother died after drinking some poisoned milk. Hating his father, Abe spent his youth wandering from town to town, challenging people to wrestling contests which he won easily thanks to his great height and ridiculously long limbs. Abe was awkward and shy around women, but managed to convince one named Mary Todd to marry him. However, Abe broke off the engagement when he figured out that Mary was crazy, but reconsidered when he remembered that he was no prize himself. On the day of their marriage, Abe declared that he felt like he was going to hell.
Abe didn’t really know what to do with himself. Wrestling wasn’t paying the bills and he only had eighteen months of formal education under his belt. He tried being a bar owner (despite that fact that he did not drink), postmaster, and ferry operator. Abe then read some law books and declared himself a lawyer, something that you could apparently do back then. Abe then went into politics, and though he wasn’t very good at it, he became renowned for his amazing speeches, which were apparently so enthralling that people forgot to write most of them down. His nemesis in the political field was Stephen Douglas, a very short man who had coincidentally been his rival suitor for the hand of crazy ass Mary Todd. It was during this period that Abe started wearing his signature stovepipe hat, which he used to hold his speeches, bills, and other important documents.
Abe was elected president in 1860 on the platform of fuck the South let’s just free the slaves. This was not popular in the South, which formed its own country, creatively called the Confederacy, which was apparently named when its leaders looked up the word united in the thesaurus. The Civil War raged throughout Abe’s presidency, a very stressful time that Abe dealt with by becoming extremely depressed, staying in bed for days at a time, and having fancy dinners of oysters with his cat, imaginatively named Tabby, who was allowed to sit at the table and was fed with a golden fork. Not to be out crazied, his wife forced him to attend séances to try and contact their dead children. Abe’s depression became so bad that he refused to carry a pocket knife because he was afraid he might kill himself with it. Abe was re-elected in 1864, won the Civil War, and freed all the slaves, though only in the Confederacy.
One night, Abe had a dream of his own funeral, which understandably freaked him out. To try and relax he attended a comedy at the Ford Theater where famous actor John Wilkes Booth shot him in the head, which is comparable to Brad Pitt shooting the president today. Even in death, Abe had no luck. His wife, Mary, went even more insane, which is probably a fair response to having your husband’s brains in your lap. She held weekly séances and was later committed to an insane asylum. A year after Abe died, a hardcore and drunk former Confederate assassinated his dog, who, it may not surprise you to learn, was named Fido. Eleven years after his death, a group of inept criminals tried to kidnap his dead body to hold it for ransom. After the plot was foiled, his remains were buried under ten feet of concrete.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_photographs_of_Abraham_Lincoln#/media/File:Abraham_Lincoln_O-116_by_Gardner,_1865.png