Pokey had beetle brows and crazy eyes and probably never lost a staring contest. As a child, Pokey never went to school because he was always sick with gall stones. This situation was solved at age 17 when a doctor gave him a swig of brandy, and then while he was still awake, cut him open and removed the troubling stones. The surgery was a success, in that it made Pokey healthy enough to attend school, but it also made him sterile, which was less than optimal. Pokey didn’t let his relative lack of education and non-working balls slow him down though. He made up for his lack of book smarts by marrying Sarah Childress, a woman chock full of them to the brim.
With the help of his super smart wife, Pokey became a lawyer and bought a farm for himself which he cleverly named Polk Place, a name which probably led to a lot of confused illiterate drunks showing up to his door looking for a brothel. With his wife writing all his speeches, Pokey got into politics, earning himself a nickname, Young Hickory, because he was pretty much Crazy Ass Jackson’s bottom bitch. In 1844, he ran for president with a campaign of no one having any idea who he was, making him the most likable candidate. It didn’t hurt either that he was the youngest man to ever run, something of importance given what had happened to President Tippy. It was a winning combination.
Pokey’s genius wife, Sarah, was uber religious. When the couple moved into the White House, she banned liquor, cards, dancing, and probably even laughter. Pokey was a hard working son of a bitch, though given that his wife hated fun, it was not like he had anything better to do. Pokey decided that it was time for the U.S. to start kicking ass and taking names. Territory names that is. He went to war against Mexico, claiming all of what is today the southwestern U.S.A., a move that could be best compared to an adult beating up a kindergartner for a piss flavored lollipop covered with dirt. In truth, Pokey probably just wanted California, but wisely took the rest so the U.S. didn’t look like it had another dick on maps. Pokey also annexed the Oregon Country and Texas, and even tried unsuccessfully to buy Cuba from Spain. When Pokey wasn’t busy making the U.S. bigger, he mostly spent his time letting random people into the White House to chat and also writing detailed descriptions in his diary of his constant diarrhea.
After only one term, Pokey announced that he would retire rather than run again. He was in pretty poor health, what with all the diarrhea, and most people agreed that he looked like shit, exhausted from overwork, and unable to relax because his wife had banned everything even remotely fun, except maybe for constantly shitting. Hell, the woman probably banned smiles. Three months after leaving the presidency, Pokey visited New Orleans, contracted cholera, and died. Historians generally agree that while bad, cholera was relatively better than the things most people contracted in New Orleans.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tyler#/media/File:Tyler_Daguerreotype_(restoration).jpg