Imagine a frog in a general’s uniform. You are now picturing Zachary Taylor. Zack was born out on the frontier in a log cabin and had no time for book learning. He had more important things to do, such as chewing tobacco and practicing his spitting. Who cares if even as an adult his handwriting and grammar skills resembled that of a six year old? Who cares that he sometimes misspelled his own name? I’ll tell you who didn’t care, the man who could hit a spittoon at thirty paces every god damn time, that’s who.
With very few career options available, what with being an illiterate spittle covered buffoon, Zack joined the Army, a career choice he was surprisingly good at. Over time he rose through the ranks, battling the Brits in the War of 1812 and kicking natives off their ancestral homelands. It was in these early years that Zack married Margaret Smith, a peculiarly reclusive woman who for some reason promised god that she would avoid people if Zack didn’t get killed while at war. Zack became a famous general following the Mexican War, earning himself the nickname Old Rough and Ready, which seems strange given that the man always rode side saddle. Hoping to cash in on his war hero status, numerous groups tried to convince Zack to run for president. Zack eventually agreed to do so, just so all the assholes would leave him alone. Zack’s political aspirations up to this point had been non-existent. He had no opinions, didn’t care about the issues, and never voted (not even for himself for president). Zack’s campaign was mostly made up of him showing up in his military uniform and showing off his spitting skills.
Zack won the election easily, a fact that he was not aware of for several days due to his refusal to pay the postage fees for the congratulatory letter sent to him. With a bored sigh, Zack installed himself into the White House, letting his war horse Whitney graze the lawn and helping his wife Margaret install new locks on many of the rooms so she could be a crazy recluse in peace. Zack didn’t really give two shits about government, and spent most his time avoiding doing his job, hiding from Congress and his cabinet, and sometimes locking himself up with Margaret for days at a time. Zack had no policies and no plans. About the only thing he did do as president was threaten to personally hang anyone who tried to secede.
Sixteen months into his presidency, Zack attended the opening ceremony of the phallus-like Washington Monument. It was a hot day, so Zack ate a whole bunch of cherries and drank a shit ton of milk. He enjoyed both so immensely that he gorged himself on milk and cherries for pretty much the entire day. He soon came down with a terrible tummy ache, which despite many attempts, could not be cured by spitting chewing tobacco long distances, resulting in his death. Historians agree that this was by far the most interesting part of Zack’s presidency.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Tyler#/media/File:Tyler_Daguerreotype_(restoration).jpg