Sleepy Joe was the son of a devout Catholic used car salesman and had a terrible stutter throughout his childhood, something he tried to cure by reciting poetry with pebbles in his mouth. Not the brightest bulb in the box, he was a C- average student clear through college, always just squeaking by. While still in college, he met a teacher named Neilia Hunter, who he somehow convinced to marry him despite the fact that she often had to slip him $20 bills under the table to pay for dinner during their dates. Neilia’s parents weren’t really down with the wedding, not because Sleepy Joe was broke, but rather because he was Catholic, it was a different time. After law school, Sleepy Joe worked as a public defender for a few years, but deciding working sucked, soon after ran for public office. Though continually putting his foot in his mouth, he somehow got elected to the U.S. Senate at the age of 29, making him one of the youngest Senators in U.S. History. Something his wife and daughter celebrated by getting killed by a truck hauling corncobs while buying a Christmas tree.
Apparently having an education fetish, Sleepy Joe married a second teacher named Jill Jacobs, and hunkered down in the Senate for the next four decades. Spending his time giving rambling poorly worded speeches, jumping motorcycles, trying to be everybody’s friend, and inappropriately touching women, though less in a sexual way and more in a creepy stepdad wanting to make a connection kind of way. This probably had nothing to do with the fact he shared a bunk bed with his uncle while a child. In 1988, Sleepy Joe ran for president, but soon after had to drop out because he plagiarized his speeches and falsely claimed he had marched for civil rights. Not taking the loss well, Sleepy Joe did not run for president again until 2008, again losing because he was about as exciting as creamed corn. However, he did get to be President Barry’s VP, because he was a moderate white guy. The two men did not really get along, with neither speaking to each other for months at a time. In 2016, he was convinced not to run for president because he was seen as being too old, too boring, and too prone to vomiting out random words.
After four years of President Donnie, voters decided that a goofy old man is just what America needed. Winning election in 2020, he became the oldest ever president at the age of 78. So starts the presidency of yet another jerk. What will the future hold? We’ll just have to wait and see.