Donnie was born to a wealthy upper class family who made sure he had the best of everything, including the best military school when it turned out he was a bit of a turd. His father was a big proponent of the tried and true parenting method of treating your kids like shit, which is probably why Donnie developed some fairly pronounced narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies. Utilizing his daddy’s money and connections, as well as every legal loophole and shady business dealing known to humankind, Donnie built up a real estate empire worth millions, at least until the convoluted financial shell game he was playing came crashing down. Not only did he lose millions of dollars, but also his super model wife.
Undeterred, Donnie married a new super model and started suing everyone he knew before they could sue him. He also started slapping his name on everything imaginable, a strategy that somehow eventually made him the star of an extremely popular reality TV show. Now a living brand, Donnie became obsessed with his appearance and public image, which for some reason involved an epic combover and orange spray tan. As a result, he morphed into a parody of himself, a germaphobe desperate for attention, but refusing to be touched. His new super model wife wasn’t a fan of this version of him, so he just married a new one, a Slovenian model named Melanija Knavs.
In 2016, Donnie ran for president, probably as part of some kind of get rich scheme. Despite a propensity for shady dealings and unwanted groping, his strategy of waving his dick around, bullying, and lying about everything amazingly worked. Apparently enough Americans were so sick of politics that just burning it all down seemed like a viable solution. Donnie made everyone uncomfortable, but for a lot of people it was the kind of uncomfortable you feel when as a teenager someone flips off your dad and calls him a mother fucker. Everyone was surprised by the victory, especially Donnie, who suddenly had to give up a lucrative TV career for a salary amounting to peanuts. Deciding that his win proved he was some kind of Machiavellian genius, Donnie began governing in a manner best described as the random whims of a cranky toddler mixed with the ravings of your conspiracy loving racist uncle. It was a complete shitshow, fueled by burger binges, late night Tweets, and an extremely distorted vision of reality. Donnie didn’t give two shits about anyone but himself, and if that meant destroying even the foundations of American democracy, then so be it. The saddest part was that Donnie saw himself as the good guy, a poor misunderstood soul whom everyone was out to get.
Donnie lost his bid for re-election in 2020, though of course being Donnie, he completely refused to accept it, declaring the entire thing to be a fraud and inciting a mob to attack the U.S. Capitol building. This led to him getting kicked off of nearly all social media and becoming the first president to ever be impeached twice. His desperation to win re-election probably had nothing to do with the fact that once back in the private sector he would have to deal with a growing pile of debts, lawsuits, and possible criminal charges. Today, Donnie is hiding out in a compound in Florida, plotting away on how he can get his ass elected president again in 2024.