Few people combined the expansionist ideal of American Manifest Destiny with the crazy notion that somebody can do anything that they put their mind to quite like William Walker. Born into a wealthy plantation family in Tennessee, William attended school at several universities in the U.S., Scotland, and Germany, before getting his medical degree at the age 19. He soon set up his own practice, but it did not last long. William found practicing medicine boring so he moved to New Orleans where he received a law degree and founded his own newspaper. He also met and fell in love with a deaf mute woman named Helen Martin. However, before they could marry, the bride to be died of yellow fever. Heart broken, William moved to San Francisco and took up the synergistic hobbies of heavy drinking and getting shot in duels.
By age 29, William had already tried being a doctor, lawyer, and newspaper editor, so he decided that his next logical career move should be president. Not wanting to bother with the horse shit of campaigns and elections, William instead convinced 45 drunken assholes to invade Mexico. William and his drunken personal army conquered the Baja Peninsula, which was quite easy given that nobody really wanted to live in such a god forsaken place anyway. William called his new country the Republic of Sonora, which was kind of a stupid name given that he wasn't in Sonora. He also legalized slavery in his new, illegal republic, because if you're going to go crazy you might as well go all the way. However, William was better at making drunken speeches than actually being a general. It was soon discovered that he had made the strategic mistake of not bringing any food with him, and so when the Mexican army arrived, he was forced to retreat back to the U.S. after only six months of being president.
As soon as William got back to San Francisco he was arrested for waging an illegal war and put on trial. However, given that the general American sentiment at the time was "fuck Mexico" he was acquitted by the jury after only eight minutes of deliberation. William hung out in San Francisco for about a year and a half before hearing of a civil war in Nicaragua. Sensing opportunity, he gathered a new army of 60 random drunks, headed south to the small Central American nation, and promptly seized control of the government. Not happy with just owning Nicaragua, he then tried to invade Costa Rica, a move which resulted in a war not just with Costa Rica, but also with Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, and the British and U.S. Navies. This did not go well for William, who after 19 months as de facto president of Nicaragua, burned the country's capital to the ground and surrendered to the U.S. Navy. The U.S. Navy took him to New York where the people threw him a parade.
Later that year, William raised a third army and tried to invade Nicaragua again, but the U.S. Navy arrested him and promptly told him to cut it out with the shenanigans. William spent the next three years writing a book about his exploits and getting drunk at fancy rich people parties. At age 36 a group of settlers approached him about setting up an independent country on a small group of islands owned by Honduras. William eagerly agreed and set out to become a president once again with a small group of drunks. Upon arrival in Honduras he took over a small government building but was quickly arrested by the British navy who handed him over to the Honduran government. The government of Honduras, tired of William's bullshit, put him in front of a firing squad.
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