Little Ben, also called the Human Iceberg for his stiff and formal manner when dealing with people, was the grandson of President Tippy. Born on the family farm, Little Ben spent his youth happily hunting and fishing. However, as he got older, he apparently turned into a fastidious little bitch. Worried about infection, Little Ben started wearing leather gloves all the time, earning himself the nickname Kid Gloves. As if being a germaphobe wasn’t bad enough, when Little Ben went to college, he gained a reputation as a brown-noser. He was such a suck up that he married Lavinia Scott, the daughter of one of his most prominent professors.
After graduating from university, Little Ben went to work as a lawyer. When the Civil War broke out, he joined the Army, but spent most of his time guarding railroads. As the war came to a close, his unit was sent into Georgia where Little Ben went a little nuts, burning and looting like some kind of half madman, half human wrecking ball. Though to be totally fair, everyone in Georgia was doing basically the same thing at the time. After the war, Little Ben decided to get into politics, but despite running numerous times, no one would vote for him. This made Little Ben super mopey, so mopey that one of his friends finally got him appointed as a Senator just so he’d quit being such a whiney little bitch. In 1888, Little Ben was nominated to run for president because the other two possible people were total ass hats. Little Ben won, mostly because at the time having an epic beard was still considered enough of a qualification to be president.
It rained the day of Little Ben’s inauguration, bringing back bad memories of President Tippy’s demise, but luckily, former president Uncle Jumbo agreed to hold an umbrella over Little Ben while he made his speech. Little Ben loved making speeches. Once during his presidency, he made 140 different ones in a single month. All of them were boring as hell. Little Ben also had a thing for goats. He kept several goats with him at the White House, and gave all of his grandchildren goats for their birthdays. Little Ben was the first president to have electricity installed in the White House. However, both he and his wife were afraid of getting electrocuted and refused to touch the switches. This led to many an awkward night where they were forced to sleep with the lights on. Worried about his chances for re-election in 1892, Little Ben brought six new states into the Union to better his chances. This strategy proved pointless since his wife got sick, and instead of campaigning, he stayed at her side until she died.
After his presidency, Little Ben went back to being a lawyer. He also got himself a hot new young wife, twenty-five years his junior, named Mary Scott Dimmick, who just so happened to also be his wife’s sister’s daughter, which is a roundabout way of saying he married his niece. For some weird reason his kids weren’t happy about their father taking their cousin as his bride, and most of them never talked to him again. Little Ben died of pneumonia after getting a bad case of the flu, probably caught because he touched something while not wearing his god damn gloves.