Dear Vegan Food Manufacturers was first published in Pioneertown in the Winter of 2021.

Dear Vegan Food Manufacturers:

Why in the hell do you keep giving your products names that directly link it to other foods that it most definitely is not? From a marketing standpoint this makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Yes, I get that your primary customer base is vegans, but have you ever thought about how much that likely has to do with your stupid naming protocol?

Take vegan cheese for example. You could have literally made up any name for this product. You could have called the damn stuff schloople or whatever, but for some reason you decided to go with vegan cheese. Now I'm no marketing expert, but I'm pretty sure if you want your product widely eaten, you probably shouldn't give it a name that reminds everyone of what it isn't.

Now don't get me wrong. Your product isn't bad, it's just most definitely not cheese. When someone asks me if I want some vegan cheese, I instantly think of eating cheese, which in the end leaves me pretty disappointed with what I get. However, if someone asked me if I wanted some schloople, all I would think is hell yeah I want some schloople, that stuff is delicious. Do you see what I'm getting at here?

Now I get you're trying to help vegans with the whole food substitution thing, but do you think that they're just a bunch of idiots or something? Vegans seem to have figured out how to use tofu pretty well without having to call it not meat. I'm pretty sure they can figure out that schloople can be used instead of cheese without constantly reminding them that they're totally not eating cheese.

Now again, I'm no marketing whiz, but alienating a huge potential customer base and constantly reminding your existing customer base of what they have given up doesn't really seem like a good long-term strategy. I mean, c'mon, I don't go around referring to every woman I meet as Not Sandra Bullock.

Sincerely,

John Q. Public

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons user mangostaniko