Story first published in K’In, Issue 9, in the Summer of 2022.
Anyways, I was down at the pub playing dominoes with Podrick, having a pint or two to pass the time. Down at O'Houlihan’s, not McElligott’s, you know, McElligott’s don’t clean their pipes worth a damn. The prices are good, but not for a skunky pint.
Anyways, I was playing dominoes with Podrick when Collin came in, fuming something terrible. Face redder than Mrs. Dooley’s front door back before she painted it that lovely color of blue. This was Big Collin of course, not Little Collin. Little Collin wouldn’t be caught dead in a pub on a Sunday, especially O’Houlihan’s given that Mike O’Houlihan gave his sister the old what for back behind the bleachers at the Christmas pageant back in the old school days. But of course that’s neither here nor there god bless her soul.
Anyways, it was Big Collin who walked in, not Little Collin, though to be fair Little Collin should really be Average Collin, but of course he looks smaller than he is, at least next to Big Collin. Big Collin is a regular brick house with legs.
Anyways, where was I again? Oh yeah, Big Collin came in just as red as Mrs. Dooley’s front door, you know, but back before she painted it that lovely color of blue. I was pretty surprised to see him come in, since after all it was a Sunday, and Big Collin isn’t really the type to imbibe on a Sunday. Guess he and Little Collin have that in common. Though Big Collin prefers O’Houlihan’s over McElligott’s, you know, because of the dirty pipes, though the fact that Mike O’Houlihan never got after Big Collin’s sister probably doesn’t hurt. Though of course Big Collin doesn’t even have a sister, so Mike O’Houlihan really never really even had a chance to give her the old go if you know what I mean. Probably even if Big Collin had a sister, Mike O’Houlihan wouldn’t have given her a go, what with the fact that she would’ve probably been as big as Big Collin, which is pretty damn big. Of course I guess she wouldn’t necessarily have to be big. After all, siblings can come in all shapes and sizes you know, just look at the O’Connors. Though then again, both of Big Collin’s parents were big people, so I’m guessing the chances of Big Collin’s sister, if he had one, not being big too are just that much more slim. It might be something different if his parents were more varied in sizes, but they weren’t, so there you have it.
Anyways, Big Collin came in with his face redder than Mrs. Dooley’s front door before she painted it that lovely shade of blue, and ordered himself a pint, which of course told me that something most definitely was wrong given the fact that Big Collin never imbibes on a Sunday, just like Little Collin. This of course got my curiosity up a bit so I took my attention up from my domino game with Podrick to ask him how he was fairing. In truth I was half curious, but in truth as well Podrick was cleaning the house with me and I was kind of looking for an excuse to end the game or at least get Podrick out of rhythm. You know how damn deadly Podrick gets at dominoes when he gets himself into his rhythm. Ought to go play in some dominoes tournament or something like that if you ask me, if they have such a thing. I’m not really sure if they have dominoes tournaments, but I can’t imagine why not, they have tournaments for pretty much every other damn thing you can think of, so why there wouldn’t also be a tournament for dominoes is simply beyond me. Doesn’t really matter I guess, given I’ve brought it up with Podrick before and he’s told me he has no interest in professional play, preferring just to play for the love of the game. Good down to earth man that Podrick, even if he is a bit of a chiseler when it comes to playing dominoes. Don’t think I’ve ever seen the man pay for a pint, what with how many people owe him for losing to him in dominoes.
Anyways, I asked Big Collin how he was fairing and Big Collin answered back that he was feeling poorly and left it at that, tapping on the bar for another pint, then tapping once again when Podrick slightly raised his hand to remind Big Collin that he still owed Podrick a couple pints for losing at dominoes. Well, this of course forced Big Collin to bring it over, which of course gave me the excuse to offer him a seat to sit down, partly because I was still curious and partly because it was a nice distraction from losing at dominoes to Podrick. What seems to be the cause of feeling so damn poorly I asked him after a couple back and forths between him and Podrick about the weather. Podrick is always bringing up the weather with people. Figures it’s something likely everyone knows something about. I don’t really care much for the weather myself, so I let them go back and forth a spell before asking Big Collin why he was feeling so poorly. Well, Big Collin kind of sat there for a bit with his big hands around his glass, the pint looking more like a half pint in those sausages of his, before he took in a big breath and with a little more drama than I prefer, you know Big Collin, he’s always been one for a bit of drama, said his bicycle is missing and he’s pretty sure someone might have stolen it. Now you would’ve thought the damn man was in a play the way he was acting. Big Collin has always been one for drama. Don’t much care for it myself, but Big Collin seems to get some joy from it so who am I to judge. Not me, that’s for sure, at least not in front of Big Collin. Dramatic big men are not the kind of people you talk badly about, especially in person.
Anyways, we all sat there for a bit, mumbling the usual condolences for such things, and I was perfectly okay with leaving it at that, but of course it was then that James from down the lane had to pipe up from the far end of the bar. You know James, the one from six houses down, not the one from three houses down and across the street. No, this was James from six houses down. The sad faced one who is always hanging out at O’Houlihan’s because his wife thinks he has a weird pecker. Don’t know much about such things myself, not being one to need to know much about other people’s peckers, but I’ve heard he has a weird pecker, or at least that his wife thinks it’s not what a normal pecker should be. Who knows, I guess it depends on how many peckers his wife has seen before. Maybe she’s only ever seen one or two other peckers, in which case if they were rather weird looking peckers I guess James from six houses down could have a pretty normal pecker that just looks weird because it doesn’t look like the other weird peckers she’s seen before.
Anyways, James from six houses down chimed up from the far end of the bar, asking Big Collin what happened, at which point I told him that Big Collin’s bike got stolen, hoping to end it there, but of course James from six houses down can’t take a hint even if you straight up yell it in his face, so of course he asks where the hell the bike got stolen from. At this point I was starting to regret giving up on the dominoes game, but it was too late now because of course Big Collin likes a little drama, and if there is one thing people who like a little drama like it’s a little attention, which of course by that point everyone was giving him. Can’t understand such things myself. Big fellas are usually pretty quiet and subdued, not usually the type to make spectacles out of themselves, what with them being so big they tend to be hard not to notice. But no, not Big Collin, he prefers a little drama and a little attention. I don’t know, maybe his mother gave him not enough hugs when he was a lad, or perhaps too many, there’s a fine line on the correct number of hugs you know.
Anyways, James from six houses down asked Big Collin what happened, and Big Collin of course launches into this whole story about going down to get some fish and chips, down at the one on Pump Street of course, not the one on Fountain Street. The one on Fountain Street is too damn greasy. You know, the one on Pump Street, down by the river, with the little statue of the pug by the door and the light switch cover that looks like a naked man in the men’s room. You know, the one so it looks like the switch is his pecker. The one on Fountain Street has normal light switch covers, which is pretty much the best thing you can say about it given everything they make in that place is too damn greasy. I don’t know a single person who prefers the one on Fountain Street over the one on Pump Street. Not even sure how the one on Fountain Street manages to stay open. Kind of fishy if you ask me. Damn place always empty but in business for years. Rent must be pretty damn affordable or something. Which doesn’t make a bit of sense given how fancy everything else is getting on Fountain Street these days. We’ll have to ask James from three doors down and across the street about it sometime. He knows about such things, working for the council and all.
Anyways, Big Collin told us all how his bike got stolen getting some fish and chips, from the one on Pump Street of course, and we of course did the usual harumphs and comments about how things are all going to shit, which is technically true, at least on Pump Street, though things are getting pretty fancy on Fountain Street these days. Not sure why. We’ll have to ask James from three doors down and across the street about it.
Anyways, after we got through the usual comments and condolences I hoped that was the end of it, but of course James from six doors down just can’t help himself with such things for whatever reason. Probably lonely I guess, what with his wife not having much to do with him because of his weird pecker and all.
Anyways, James from six doors down asked Big Collin how the thieves got through the lock, to which Big Collin answered that he doesn’t use no damn lock, which of course set us all to rolling our eyes, since after all, what kind of idiot doesn’t lock up their bike on Pump Street. After all, things are getting pretty bad these days on Pump Street. About the only reason people go down there anymore is for the fish and chips, what with the ones on Fountain Street being too greasy. Big Collin of course noticed our eye roll, which of course got him a bit heated again which turned his face redder again than Mrs. Dooley’s door before she painted it that nice shade of blue. Why the hell should a man have to lock up his bike, he said, you never used to have to lock up your bike in this damn town. Of course none of us really had much of an answer for that, so Podrick, not seeing much of a way to bring up the weather, instead asked Big Collin what his bike looked like, you know, so if any of us saw it about town we would know it was his. Well, by that point I really didn’t want to listen to Big Collin bitch and moan anymore, so I answered for him, big with two fucking wheels. Of course Big Collin didn’t like that one bit, and rather than defusing the situation if anything it set it off, the big bastard pounding on the table and ranting about his damn bike for at least a good fifteen minutes. Not being much for drama, I went up to the bar for a bit to have a talk with James from six houses down, which now that I think about it, isn’t the James whose wife thinks he has a weird pecker. No, that’s definitely James from three houses down and across the street. My apologies for the confusion. You think I would be able to remember a thing like that given they don’t even look a damn thing a like. Besides, everyone knows that James whose wife thinks he has a weird pecker doesn’t drink at O’Houlihan’s anymore, he drinks at McElligott’s, which I imagine has something to do with Mike O’Houlihan being the one who told me he had a weird pecker in the first place.
Anyways, Big Collin probably kept ranting and raving for a good twenty to thirty minutes, his face brighter red than Mrs. Dooley’s door before she painted it that lovely color of blue. Big Collin has always liked himself a bit of drama, which is probably why we don’t get on so well, me not really liking such things. Just isn’t proper you know for a grown man of his size to act in such a way, which is probably why I threw his damn bike in the river in the first place.
Anyways, after Big Collin left I lost three rounds of dominoes to Podrick, making it a total of about sixteen pints that I owe him now. That’s why I’ll probably be drinking at McElligott’s for a bit, even if the pipes are dirty.
