Back in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and then he discovered America. Okay, he didn’t really discover it, he just alerted most of Europe that it was there. Also, being a stubborn jackass, he spent most of his life refusing to believe it. However, all of that is rather unimportant compared to what Columbus did after he arrived in America.
Throughout his first voyage, Columbus took numerous natives prisoner in order to cart them back to Spain to show them off the same way you show off knick-knacks you buy at the airport. Most of the natives did not survive the voyage back to Spain. Along with people, Columbus also brought back such marvels as potatoes, corn, and a particularly virulent form of syphilis which turned its victims, at least physically, into rotting zombies. This led to an epidemic that ended up killing just a literal shit ton of people. Of course, it wasn't a one way exchange. Columbus gifted the Native Americans with smallpox, typhus, and malaria; diseases that would decimate the tribes of the Caribbean, and eventually the entire Western Hemisphere, over the coming centuries. Of course, neither one of these disease exchanges were on purpose, but still, holy shit.
Columbus' discovery of the New World made him an instant celebrity. So of course, as with anybody who gains sudden celebrity, he went straight up batshit crazy. In 1493, he departed again, this time with a much larger fleet and a whole mess of anxious colonists. Columbus had been named Governor of the New World by the kingdom of Spain, a role that would quickly prove that celebrity has little do with actual ability. Upon arrival back in the New World, Columbus rewarded his most loyal followers by giving them native women to warm their beds. The women weren't exactly agreeable with this, so Columbus had them beaten until they did as they were told. The main purpose of the new colony was to mine for gold, but the Spanish colonists didn’t really see themselves as the gold mining type. Instead they forced the local natives to do the work, killing any who failed to bring back enough gold, which was quite few given the fact that there really wasn’t that much gold in the area. To try and supplement the colony’s income, Columbus began rounding up the natives and sending them back to Spain to be sold as slaves. However, they proved not to be very good slaves, since most quickly died of disease upon arrival.
Things somehow only grew worse as time went on. Several hurricanes severely damaged the colony, which in turn damaged the Spaniard’s crops, leading to a famine. The natives, for god only knows what reason, then rebelled. Columbus dealt with this via dismemberment and torture. As soon as the native rebellion was put down, the colonists then rebelled, which Columbus again dealt with via dismemberment and torture. This did little to increase his popularity. Sensing that it would probably be better to get the fuck out of Dodge for awhile, Columbus went exploring for new lands to despoil. However, while he was gone, the colonists sent envoys back to Spain to complain about what a dick he was being. When Columbus returned to the colony, he was put into chains and shipped home to Spain.
As it turns out, Columbus was a bit of charming fella. Rather than getting his comeuppance, he instead managed to convince the king and queen of Spain to free him because he swore he totally would be able to actually find India if given one more chance. Columbus left on his final expedition in 1502, but instead of finding India, his ship sank and he became stranded on Jamaica for more than a year, which wasn’t near as sweet back then as it is today. Despite the fact that most people were pretty happy with the idea of just leaving his ass stranded, Columbus was eventually rescued and returned to Spain. There, he spent the rest of his life writing books and bitching about how the Spanish crown totally owned him a shit ton of money for his discoveries. He died of the gout in 1506 at the age of 54. By 1522, 90 percent of the native population of the Caribbean were dead, most from disease, but a significant portion from wanton murder and slavery. Yeah, this guy totally deserves his own holiday.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Christopher_Columbus.PNG