During the early 19th century, Napoleon Bonaparte was known as the greatest strategic genius in history and the scourge of Europe. As Emperor of France, he conquered nearly the entire continent, ruling with an iron fist, striking terror in the hearts of his enemies, and forcing the metric system down everybody’s throats. A tactical and military mastermind, Napoleon was thought undefeatable on the battlefield. So feared was Napoleon that his enemies were forced to resort to making up rumors that he was super short, he was actually of average height, in a last ditch attempt to get their soldiers to quit shitting themselves. It took nearly twelve years of continual warfare for the combined powers of Europe to finally defeat Napoleon, after which they kicked his ass off the French throne and exiled him to the remote isle of Elba in the Mediterranean Sea. However, soon after Napoleon escaped from Elba, returned to France, retook the throne, and started one last war to regain his former glory. Unfortunately for Napoleon, but probably okay for the rest of the world, this final war did not go well. Distracted by a severe case of hemorrhoids, Napoleon was unable to fully apply his tactical genius, resulting in his resounding defeat at the Battle of Waterloo. Hence the world was saved from having to speak French.
Not wanting to deal with anymore Napoleon style bullshit, the British again exiled the former emperor, this time to an even more remote tiny butt fuck nowhere island in the South Atlantic called Saint Helena. It was literally the furthest thing from anything. There, Napoleon was forced to live in a drafty house on a damp windswept cliff, because when you’re the defeated conqueror of all of Europe, creature comforts aren’t exactly just handed out. The shitty living conditions did little to help Napoleon’s health, but it did win him the sympathy of the local doctor, who wrote countless letters to the British asking for them to improve things. All of these letters were ignored, and for reasons that can only be described as obvious, Napoleon fell ill after five years and died. What exactly he died of is still speculated about today, probably because if you’re a good doctor you don’t end up living on the remotest island in the world. Anyways, Napoleon’s dying wish was that he be buried in his beloved France. However, the British were less than keen with this whole idea, probably because they were still pretty bitter about the twelve years of war. They instead forced the former most powerful person in the world to be buried in a pauper’s grave on St. Helena. This didn’t sit well with the local doctor, who thought that treating Napoleon in such a way was complete bullshit. Not really having many options, since again he was a shitty doctor on an island in the middle of nowhere, he decided that at the very least a small part of Napoleon’s body should be smuggled back to France. Now one might think a finger or toe would do the job, but for reasons that have been lost to history, which is probably for the best, the doctor decided that the best part of Napoleon to send back was his penis.
So begins a strange tale that is not often taught in history classes. The doctor gave Napoleon's newly severed dick to an acquaintance who happened to be Corsican monk soon to travel back to Europe. The hand off was undoubtedly an awkward moment. How exactly the monk smuggled the dick is also lost to history, but again, it’s probably better this way. Unfortunately, when the monk arrived home to the island of Corsica, he was soon after murdered due to a blood feud between his family and another, which was pretty common on Corsica at the time. The monk’s belongings, including the penis, were given to his next of kin, who instead of freaking right the fuck out, decided to keep it. Again, Corsica was a pretty weird place. From there, Napoleon’s dick became a treasured family heirloom, passed from father to son like some kind of fucked up pocket watch. The penis stayed on Corsica for a hundred years until 1916, when needing money, the family sold it to a British collector. Just like how you pawned your grandmother’s ring to buy an X-Box.
The charm of owning the dick of a well-known historical figure must have worn off rather quickly, because the British gentleman then sold it to a rare book dealer in 1924, because rare books and dicks are totally the same thing. The penis was shipped to the United States where the dealer, not content with hoarding Napoleon’s dick for himself, put it in a museum in New York. The reviews were not exactly positive, what with the penis looking like a small piece of old jerky by this time, and most consisted of ribald remarks about how short it was. Nothing honors the dead quite like laughing at the size of their severed genitals. This lasted until 1977, when a leading urologist, deciding that the display was less than respectful, purchased the dick for $125,000 in today’s money. He then put it in a briefcase and hid it under his bed in New Jersey, only whipping it out from time to time to show off to his friends. The urologist died in 2007, and since then the dick has been in the hands of his daughter.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Napol%C3%A9on-t%C3%A9te-couronn%C3%A9e-Jacques-Louis-David.jpg