Ernie's life did not have a normal beginning. His mother, not wanting a boy, put him in dresses, only gave him dolls to play with, often called him Ernestine, and told everyone he was his sister's twin (which is weird given she was a year older than him). Ernie's father apparently just went with it, letting things continue as they were for five years. For some strange reason, when Ernie grew up he became super hyper-masculine. To prove just how manly he was, Ernie volunteered to be an ambulance driver in Italy during World War I. This went about as well as could be expected, with him getting wounded and hospitalized for six months, during which time he fell in love with a nurse seven years his senior. The two were supposed to get married, but she changed her mind, calling him a little boy in the process, and leaving him with a healthy dose of relationship anxiety to go along with his gender anxiety. Upon returning to the U.S., Ernie got a journalist job and married a woman eight years his senior named Hadley (who also happened to be his roommate’s sister). The couple then moved to Paris.
In Paris, Ernie became a Bohemian, writing short stories and novels (a good chunk of which Hadley lost at a train station), hanging out with the famous artists of the day, going to Spain to watch bullfights, and spending most of his time getting drunk and fighting. Hadley for her part worked several jobs to support Ernie’s writing career, and since they were both so busy, they often left their baby son alone in the house to be babysat by their cat. So, you know, all pretty hum-drum stuff. It was during this time that Ernie gained literary success by writing a book about a dickless man and a slutty woman. He then left his wife for a rich hot woman named Paulina (who he was introduced to by his wife) and moved back to the U.S. Ernie then spent the next several years living in Key West, fishing, sailing around the Caribbean, getting drunk, and writing more books. He also went to Africa and shot various large animals, because nothing says “macho man” quite like shooting an elephant. In the late 1930's he worked as a war correspondent during the Spanish Civil War, where he pretty much became a communist. It was at this time that he left his second wife and married a fellow war correspondent named Martha.
The new couple made their home in Cuba where Ernie wrote more books, got drunk, went fishing, and bred six toed cats. It was also during this time that Ernie became a Soviet spy codenamed Argo, though apparently not a very good one, since he never supplied any information worth knowing. Ernie spent the early years of World War II cruising around the Caribbean on his boat claiming he was looking for Nazi submarines, but most likely just getting tanked and hiding from his wife. As American troops began to land in France, Ernie went with them as a war correspondent, even leading a small group of French militia for a time (which was against the Geneva Convention). However, he spent most of the war sick in bed. It was during this time that he left his third wife and married his fourth, a woman named Mary. After the war, the new couple moved back to Cuba where Ernie got drunk, wrote books, and machine gunned sharks for fun. Most of his books written at this time did not sell well, probably because they were all about old dudes getting it on with hot young broads. However, it was also at this time that Ernie won the Nobel Prize for his book about a sad old man who can't catch a break.
Despite some near disasters, Mary and Ernie stayed together. The pair went to Africa for a time where they got in a plane crash, then a second plane crash trying to get to the hospital, only to finally arrive to find they had been declared legally dead (which is probably why he won the Nobel Prize). Still very much alive, Ernie then went on a fishing trip where a he was severely burned in a brushfire. Ernie dealt with most of this by getting extremely drunk all the time, writing, and taking an African wife (which Mary seemed cool with). Ernie then returned to Cuba, but soon after moved to Idaho, where again, he spent all his time writing, getting drunk, and becoming increasingly paranoid that the FBI was watching him (which they were). The paranoia became so bad that Mary had Ernie go through electro-shock treatment in an attempt to cure him. It did not work. Not long after, Ernie blew his own brains out. This was a bit of a family tradition given that his father, sister, and brother all did the same. Mary dealt with Ernie's death by publishing the last of his books and becoming good friends with two of her three predecessors.
Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ernest_Hemingway_at_the_Finca_Vigia,_Cuba_-_NARA_-_192663.jpg