The Walrus was named after the doctor who oversaw his birth, who also happened to be a good friend of his father. The Walrus’s father was a Canadian preacher, which is probably why he never thought to question why his wife would insist they name their brand new baby after a man who was always hanging out around his house. The Walrus, thanks to his middle class upbringing, attended university, where he studied law, beat up supporters of President Pokey, and threw the school bell into Lake Erie. After graduating he moved to New York City where he worked as a lawyer, defending African-American’s civil rights. However, this didn’t pay the bills, so he got himself appointed to a government position at the Port of New York, where he made himself rich on bribes and graft.
The Walrus had a reputation for being a snappy dresser (ill-gotten money has its perks). He was often called Elegant Arthur, The Gentleman Boss, Prince Arthur, and the Dude President. When the Walrus fought in the Civil War, he used his connections to make sure he got a job behind the front lines where his uniform could stay in immaculate condition. His inscrutable dress sense undoubtedly won him the hand of his wife, Ellen Herndon, who wasn’t so bad herself on the looks scale. Of course, the Walrus’s fat wallet full of bribe money probably didn’t hurt either. The Walrus’s misdeeds ended up catching up with him, and he was fired from his job for corruption. This was shortly followed by his election to the Vice Presidency. When President Boatman Jim was assassinated in 1881, the Walrus became president, an event that made his wife so happy, that she promptly died.
The start of the Walrus’s presidency was contentious. First, he had to take the oath of office twice, because apparently it has to be done by a federal official, not just some random friend. Second, people made all sorts of wild claims, like the Walrus had actually been born in Canada and that he had orchestrated the assassination of Boatman Jim. Undeterred, the Walrus, a man of luxury, refused to move into the White House until it was redecorated up to his extravagant tastes. To pay for the renovation, he auctioned off all of the historical items already in it. Most of the Walrus’s presidency was spent trying to decide which one of his eighty pairs of pants he should wear, changing his outfit three or four times a day, hosting lavish parties, going to night clubs, and just strolling around the streets of Washington DC until three in the god damn morning.
While still president, the Walrus discovered he had a deadly kidney disease. Keeping it hidden from the public, he traveled to Yellowstone to see if drinking boiling sulfur water would prolong his life, or perhaps he was actually just looking for the entrance to hell so he could make a deal with the devil. Whatever the reason, his health continued to deteriorate and he did not run for a second term. The day he left office, four women asked him to marry them. Eighteen months later he died. The last thing the Walrus did was burn all of his personal and official papers, which is about the worst way to disprove conspiracies that you had your predecessor assassinated.
Image: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Chester_Arthur_1880.jpg