Useless, a nickname given to him by his parents, was born, unlike many of his predecessors, in an actual house to upper middle class parents. His given name was Hiram, but while applying to join the West Point military academy the government screwed up his application form, changing his name to Ulysses. The government refused to rectify the mistake and gave Useless the option of either changing his name or not attending West Point. Useless chose the former. Useless was a pretty shitty student at West Point, but was the best in his class at riding horses so was made an officer. Being a bit of a douche, Useless decided that he wanted to nail his West Point roommate’s hot sister, Julia Boggs Dent, so he hounded her constantly until she agreed to marry him.
During the Mexican War, Useless made a name for himself by crazily riding his horse at people and killing them. After the war, he was kicked out of the Army for being a drunk. Useless tried his hand at being a real estate agent, but failed, forcing him to switch careers to selling firewood on street corners and mooching money off of his relatives. When the Civil War broke out, the Army decided they could ignore things like extreme alcoholism, and Useless was welcomed back into the military. He soon after earned the rank of general after perfecting the winning strategy of sending wave after wave of men against enemy lines until the defenders ran out of bullets. Useless spent the entire war in a drunken haze, riding half broke horses, dressing like a hobo, getting sick at the sight of blood (a rare steak would make him nauseous), and making sure absolutely nobody ever saw him naked (including his wife). Despite having no political experience, a fact he regularly mentioned to anyone who would listen, he was elected president in 1868.
Useless was the youngest president up to that point in time, and it showed. Instead of appointing people who actually knew what they were doing to government positions, he instead appointed his friends, who all turned out to be corrupt assholes who were more interested in stealing than actually doing their jobs. Despite this, Useless was re-elected president in 1872 after his opponent politely bowed out of the race by dying. As president, Useless largely quit drinking to make sure his mind remained clear. Instead, he took to eating, yes eating, not smoking, twenty cigars a day. This resulted in Useless having a constant sore throat which his old timey doctors treated with cocaine, which Useless then became mysteriously addicted to. High as a kite, Useless would ride his horse at full tilt down the streets of Washington DC, which once earned him a speeding ticket when a policeman failed to recognize him as the president.
After his presidency, Useless went on an around the world tour. Soon after, for some reason, he went completely broke. In need of money, Useless first tried to run for president again, but failed because beards were back in fashion and his just wasn’t impressive enough. He then wrote his memoirs, which despite not including vampires or lurid sex scenes, were considered to be pretty good. Useless died of throat cancer, which was probably totally unrelated to his tobacco chomping ways. A humble man, he was buried in the largest mausoleum in North America.
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ulysses_S_Grant_by_Brady_c1870-restored.jpg